The Ultimate BBQ Beverage: Moron Juice


Sometimes at a summer BBQ, your average alcoholic beverage simply won’t cut it. Sure, Coronas are refreshing as hell. And, yes, if Dos Equis is good enough for The Most Interesting Man in the World, then, in theory, it should be good enough for just about anyone. Hell, an ice cold pint of Jack & Coke will absolutely do the trick. But every so often, when you’re looking to really kick your cookout up a notch, when you’re looking to get extra weird, methinks a stronger brew your BBQ doth require.

And when that special BBQ rolls around, allow me to suggest a magical concoction: Moron Juice.

What is Moron Juice, you ask?

*First you’ll need something that’ll safely hold a ton of booze. I recommend one of those big, orange Gatorade coolers that people use to soak victorious coaches.

* Then you’ll need to pick up 36 beers. I’ve found cheap domestic stuff works best.

* And while you’re at the supermarket, go ahead and grab a large package of lemonade mix.

* Finally, you’ll need a liter of vodka.

Once you’ve gathered all of your affordable-but-glorious ingredients, mix them in that aforementioned big ol’ booze holder. Mixing beer, vodka and lemonade? You might think that sounds pretty awful. But let me assure you, my thirsty brothers, it is anything but. The end result is, in my humble and often inebriated opinion, the ultimate BBQ beverage.

But beware, this concoction does hold true to it’s name. It will make you a moron.

Every single time my friends and I decide to whip up a batch of moron juice, someone, without fail, does something horribly stupid. Sometimes a buddy winds up in jail. Sometimes someone falls off a roof and into a mysterious pile of broken glass. Often times, a buddy winds up making out with a girl who looks like George Lopez. Either way, trust me, the “moron” title is more fitting than you know.

Drink responsibly. It’s more fun to watch the moron than to be one.

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.