How To Not Suck At Drinking

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Drinking’s great, but most people suck at it. They have no idea what they’re shoving down their gullets and can’t control themselves, so by the end of the night, they’re either puking, in fist fights, or in the rare puking fist fight. Here’s a few pointers so you don’t come off like you’ve just heard of this new invention called alcohol.

Know Your Beers

“What’s an IPA and what’s a pilsner?” Did you seriously just ask the bartender that? Do some research and stop ordering like a high schooler with a fake ID.

Don’t Mix Liquors

Again, you’re not in high school. No need to throw vodka, whiskey, rum, gin and tequila down your face in a single night. Find one thing and stick with it, unless you’re super into puking on streets.

Treat Your Bartender Right

Without your bartender, that bar’s just a dark smelly room with a bunch of people staring at their feet. Tip well, be patient and feel free to throw a “thanks” his or her way.

Know Your Limits

Figure out how much you need to drink to stay in the “fun zone.” Stay in that range and avoid getting thrown in a cab at midnight while everybody else keeps the party going.

Get A Designated Driver. Seriously.

Because sometimes, you can’t find that cab at midnight.

Avoid Well Drinks

Well liquor’s great if you like headaches and nausea. Otherwise, order something off the shelves and tell your friends, “I might only be able to afford mac ‘n’ cheese for dinner, but in here, I’m classy.”

Know The Best Bars

Don’t just walk into a random dive because it happens to be open. Knowledge is power, even when that knowledge is who has the best shot specials.

Don’t Push Pre-Gaming Into Overtime

Having a drink or two to loosen up before going out is great. Drinking so much you’re ready to go home before you’ve even left home? That’s more of a problem.

Buy A Round

Bars are one of the few places where karma has been objectively proven to exist. Take care of your boys and they’ll take care of you.

Drunk Text At Your Own Risk

If there’s a history of success, go for it. If you’re going for the booty call out of thin air, think it over. Then don’t do it.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.