10 Benefits Of Being The Designated Driver

Drink Driver
Credit: Steve Eason/Getty Images

If you and your friends go bar-hopping for the night, someone has to stay sober and drive the drunks around. Being the designated driver doesn’t mean you’ll have a horrible night — it actually gives you several distinct advantages over your intoxicated buddies…

1. This might come as a shock, but girls find you more charming sober than hammered.

2. You’ve heard of whiskey dick, but you’ve never heard of designated driver dick.

3. A club soda costs less than a cocktail or a pint. After your friends have pissed away their paychecks, you’ll have money left for a date.

4. In exchange for providing a ride from the bar at midnight (no big deal for you), your friends will owe you rides to the airport for 6 a.m. flights (a huge pain in the ass for them).

5. Learn who your friends truly are. Watching how they behave when drunk can give you a glimpse at what they hide when sober. In vino veritas.

6. Give your friends bizarre pickup lines that they would only try when drunk, and see if they succeed or fail. Think of yourself as the conductor of a drunken symphony.

7. You’re not a hired chauffeur, so you have the most say on how the night plays out. You get to pick where to go, when to leave and which fast food restaurant will serve as the night’s final destination.

8. Use this as an opportunity to take some embarrassing photos. Even if you’d do that anyway, now you’re sober, so they won’t be blurry.

9. Without beer goggles, the beautiful woman you met at the bar will still be beautiful in the morning.

10. Last but not least, you have no chance of a hangover. Isn’t that reason enough to be the D.D.?

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.