How To Woo Athletic Women

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At the beginning of the original “Total Recall,” Arnold Schwarzenegger is asked to select the attributes of his dream woman, the woman whom he wishes to include in his synthetic memory. When given the choice between “slim,” “athletic” and “voluptuous,” Arnold chooses “athletic,” because large breasts get in the way when you’re trying to save Mars, and because athletic women are sexy as hell.

It’s true: Athletic women are totally hot — but they’re strong and fast, and some guys find that intimidating. Not you, though. You’re a real man. You like a woman that can open a jar of pickles. But how do you win over a woman who views you as a weakling? How do you score a strong chick who grew up with brothers and sees through your nonsense?

Here’s the secret: It’s less about your muscles and more about your character. Here’s a how-to guide to getting that Olympian lady.

Step 1: Compliment her beauty. Tell her she is “statuesque.” Never say she is “big,” or “ripped,” or “similar to the Hulk.” Tell her she’s “toned and sexy,” like Jane Fonda, and that she should star in her own exercise video series, which you will own on VHS.

Step 2: The first date. She’s very competitive. Lose to her in foosball and make it appear as if you lost on purpose, even though you really would have lost anyway.

Step 3: Serve her a cheese plate on a Frisbee, then pass the Frisbee. (Don’t use an Aerobie. It’ll just get lost on the roof, and it doesn’t even hold that much cheese.)

Step 4: Massage her feet. Active women love a good foot massage, and they have beautiful feet from wearing sneakers all the time. Squeeze the arches and pay special attention to her toes. Preen each toe like it’s a celebutante. Tug it, separate it from the others and remove the sock lint, if necessary.

Step 5: Choose one of her legs, and cuddle into it, the way a lonely man cuddles a body pillow. Just get right in there. Gently lick a dollop of whipped cream off her field hockey bruise.

Step 6: Name the major muscles as you caress her rock-hard body, impressing her with your anatomical knowledge: “And now I will squeeze the glutes, which are very toned and sexy, and make my way to the pectoral muscles, which are likewise toned and sexy.”

Step 7: Have a protein shake ready right after sex. Fill that glycogen window. You could even have the blender going while you make the beast with two backs. Just get that post-coital wheat germ shake inside both of your bodies as soon as possible.

Step 8: Tell her that she must have been carved from the hugest diamond at Tiffany’s. Or just compare her calves to diamonds, then sprinkle actual diamonds on top of them. Propose marriage. Remember, athletic women are not trophy wives — they win trophies.

Step 9: If she has a blown-out ACL, you need to take a sledgehammer to your knee, just like how you need to wear a balloon under your shirt during pregnancy. It’s called empathy, pal.

Step 10: Throw her a pep rally before the birth of your first child-athlete. This is also called a “baby shower,” but just think of it as a pep rally. It’ll be way less tedious.

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.