How To Navigate Through Your Girlfriend’s Purse

Credit: Dinner Series/Flickr

Most guys would sooner stick their hands in a bowl of cow eyes than their girlfriend’s purse, and for good reason: It’s a jungle in there. Sooner or later, though, you’ll have to help her find her keys, or parking ticket, or coat rack — so you may as well have some idea how to trudge through this rugged terrain.

Check Side Pockets First

Purses usually have small pockets near the top of the inner sides. This is where she’ll usually keep her keys and cell phone for quick access. Unfortunately, if you’ve already been called in for backup, the keys are probably not here, and you’ll have to make your way to the…

Purse Pit

This is the miniature landfill she carries with her everywhere she goes. Comprised mostly of frozen yogurt cards and yoga schedules with gum stuck to them, the purse pit is also home to some important items like her wallet and jewelry. Due to its crowded and clusterf**ky nature, this is where keys and other small objects are likely to be swallowed.

Use Your Hands, Not Your Eyes

It’s pretty dark in there, and you’re not going to be able to see well enough to find what you need, so man up and dive in hand first. Grab each item quickly and try to guess what it is by touch. If you’re in a public place, do not pull out anything that feels like a thick cotton swab, as this is likely an unwrapped tampon.

Check the Lining and Outside Pockets

If you have thoroughly investigated the pit and still come up short, check the purse’s lining, which is subject to tears that small items can slip through. Run your hand along the sides of the purse and then across the floor, below the layer of lint-covered pennies, and see if you feel anything under the fabric. Also check any outside pockets, which are rarely used, but may be where she put something so she “wouldn’t lose it.”

Mission Accomplished!

Hopefully, you’ve found what you came for. Now, treat yourself to one of the mints you’ve surely stumbled across and wash your hands. Seriously.

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.