Car Code: How Every Guy Should Treat His Vehicle

Credit: Rusty Jarrett/Getty Images

A guy’s car says a lot about him. We don’t just mean the automobile model — we mean the way he presents it. You parade your ride around town for everyone to see, so here are a few tips on how to own and operate it without looking like a total a-hole.

1. The Best Accessory Is No Accessory at All

We’ve all considered buying garbage from the “goofy car goofs” aisle at AutoZone. But owning fuzzy dice or beaded seat covers basically means you might as well add this message to your side mirrors: “Virgin May Be Closer Than He Appears.”

2. SPOILER ALERT: Spoilers Look Dumb On Cars

We love those “Fast & Furious” movies as much as you do, but none of us are as cool as Vin Diesel or The Rock. Or, really, Michelle Rodriguez. Don’t even try to look that badass, ’cause your attempt is gonna make you look like a middle-aged dude who’s overcompensating for erectile dysfunction.

3. Scents And Sensibility

Of course you want your car to smell nice…but maybe, just MAYBE, instead of throwing scented trees and air freshener on top of the cigarette and fast food stench, you should just get your car cleaned occasionally. (Also, you should probably take better care of your damn body, but for now, just pay someone $25 to vacuum and shampoo your car.)

4. “If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker…”

…then you’re close enough to know that guy SUCKS. Your bumper isn’t the place to argue political opinions or tell jokes. There are places for that, and they’re called bars.

5. R.I.P., R.I.P. Decals

Under no circumstances should you place a large decal honoring your recently deceased friend on your car. Why? Because cars also die. It’ll be a sad day when you have to say goodbye to your ’97 Corolla and a second goodbye to your departed buddy, who was probably named Cody or Dustin or Trey.

6. Know How to Fix a Tire

Imagine this scenario: You’re on a date with the girl of your dreams, and your car gets a flat tire. You panic, not knowing what to do. Fortunately for you, your date knows how to fix a flat. Unfortunately for you, she tells all of her friends about your lack of man skills, and now you can never date in this town again. Wherever you go, everyone laughs at you. They call you names like “Rascal Flats” and “The Michelin Girl.” You have no other choice but to run away and join the circus, never to be heard from again.

Or you could just learn how to use a jack. The choice is yours.

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Zach Broussard’s (@ZachBroussard) first car had beaded seats, an 8-ball on the stick shift and a giant Sublime bumper sticker.