5 Things NOT To Do If Your Girlfriend’s About To Dump You

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Credit: Elizabeth Ashley Jerman/Flickr

As dudes, we like to think no woman could ever lock us down, but if the girl you’re dating is the one (which just means she’s both cooler and better-looking than you are), then you want to keep her around. We’re not talking about last night’s game — we’re talking about the girl you introduce to Mom and Dad. You’d be ruined if she calls it off.

Breakups happen, and you should face them like a man, not an emo mess. If you’re noticing signs that she’s about to dump your ass, here are five ways to not be an embarrassment to yourself, your girlfriend and dudes everywhere.

1. Don’t Be Jealous

As we said, breakups happen, and usually not because she’s got another guy waiting in the wings. Don’t assume that she’s leaving you for another dude (or chick, if you haven’t been paying attention to the writing on the wall). We never want to believe it, but some people just need time to focus on their own problems. That’ll hurt less when you bump into her in public and she’s not on a date with some guy you want to break in half.

2. Don’t Make Her Jealous

Just as you shouldn’t worry that she’s with another guy, don’t preemptively announce that you’ve got something on the side. If your relationship’s going to end, it’ll end, but wait until then to start seeing other women, or else this breakup is going to be way more dramatic. You’ll bring less bitterness into the new relationship if you’re at peace with the old one.

3. Don’t Be Angry

It’s natural to feel pissed if you think you’re about to get dumped, but unless you two have actually discussed breaking up, you don’t know that it’s about to end. You’ll look like a psycho if you suddenly start venting about all the things that annoy you about her, ’cause she won’t realize that you’ve decided to go out guns blazing.

4. Don’t Sit Around the House

Some dudes think the only way to fix a broken relationship is to spend more time together, but if her problem with you is that you’re a lazy piece of trash who’s mooching off her wallet, her emotions or her free time, the last thing she wants is to see you more.

If she’s called you out on not having a job or just playing too much Xbox Live, the best way to impress her is to find a cool hobby. (And it can’t be Wii instead of Xbox.) Try taking martial arts classes or EMT training. You’ll get a useful skill out of it, and if she’s not impressed, 83% of the other women on Earth will be.

5. Don’t Grill Her Friends

If your girl has a problem with you, she’s sure as hell told her friends, and they sure as hell aren’t telling you about it. But they will tell her that you hit them up for information. If any of her friends is particularly evil, she’ll tell her that you hit on her. Either way, you’re dead in the water, and this breakup is happening for sure.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.