What Superheroes Teach Us About Guy Code

Indonesian Window Cleaner At Work In Spider-Man Uniform
Credit: Robertus Pudyanto/Getty Images

With Comic-Con in full swing, it’s time to honor our superheros. They show us how to stand up for what’s right, get thrown through buildings and obey Guy Code. Here’s a look at five heroes and what they teach us about manhood.

BATMAN — Be Mysterious

If there’s one thing Batman knows, it’s how to play things close to the vest. The Dark Knight knows that if you lay all your cards out on the table, then there’s nowhere to go but down. Follow the Bat’s lead and always leave a little mystery. When a girl asks you what you do for a living, take a sip of your beer, look off to the stars and tell her that you work in “education.” Nobody needs to know you’re a janitor at a community college.

Also, try to be a billionaire. That always helps.

SUPERMAN — Be A Gentleman, But Kick Ass

There’s a time to charm and there’s a time to fight, and nobody knows that better than the Man of Steel. The king of alter-egos, Superman knows how to be a meek weenie when it’s to his advantage…and then be the most badass badass in badass-ville when needed. Open the door for your date, then defend her honor at the bar. (Has Clark Kent ever been inside a bar?)


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THE FLASH — Always Keep Moving

Guys should be men of action, ready to move at the drop of a hat. Whether rescuing a family from a burning building or getting more beer at 7-Eleven, they move quickly and ask questions later. The Flash never looks back (mostly because if he did, he’d realize what he was wearing), and neither should you.

SPIDER-MAN — Make Your Nerdiness Work

This is the golden age of nerds, and nobody epitomizes that more than Spider-Man. Once a nobody science geek, Peter Parker gets a little confidence (and, of course, some radioactive spider blood) and the next thing you know he’s banging the hottest girl in school and saving New York City, one terrible one-liner at a time.

Use your knowledge of “Game of Thrones” as its own superpower, and maybe someday Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire will be in movies about YOU.

THE HULK — Nobody Likes You When You’re Angry

The exact opposite of Superman, the Hulk can’t control himself. Dr. Bruce Banner gets in an argument about Tim Tebow and next thing he knows, he’s waking up in a crater that used to be Beijing while wearing shredded pants and a head full of regret. He’s basically the comic-book version of guys who drink themselves into belligerent blackouts.

Pace yourself, know your limits and stop before you reach Hulk mode. You don’t want to wake up thinking about the mistakes you made last night, especially if one of them is snoring next to you.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.