Dear Tiffani Thiessen,
What's going on, Tiffani? Do you mind if I call you Tiffani? (Hope not! LoLz!) My name is Peter Hoare, and I'm a tall, single, disease-free, 31-year-old man from Brooklyn, N.Y. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Next. Pass. Instapass." But, please, before you slam the door on what could turn into the most passionate love affair of your life, allow me to state my case.
I, like so many others, grew up watching you as Kelly Kapowski on "Saved By The Bell." And, since then, since the glorious days of you cheating on Zack Morris with that d-bag from the Max, I've been a card-carrying member of Team Thiessen. Oh, yeah. I've seen it all, babe. That summer you spent working under Mr. Carosi at the Malibu Beach Club. That sexy "Girls of Bayside" calendar. Your primetime Hawaiian vacation. I was there, Tiffani. I was there. And now, so many years later, I'm finally in a position to ask you out on a date.
So, Tiffani, let's cut to the chase--you wanna do this thing or what?
First off, rest assured, Peter Hoare is no cheapskate. We're not going to Applebee's, nor will we go to Chili's--awesome as both of those restaurants may be. Oh, no, you'll be properly wined and dined the way a superstar of your caliber deserves. And as for conversation, well, let me tell you, Tiff--I am a card! You currently star on the USA Network drama "White Collar," right? Well, if I know the USA Network the way I think I do, its slogan is "Characters Welcome."
I'm a character, Tiff. Welcome me!
And don't worry. I won't pester you with all sorts of "Saved By The Bell" questions. No need. I've already read Screech's book. So I already know all there is to know about Tiffani Amber Thiessen. But current Tiff, the modern day two-named minx that you are—that's who I want to get to know.
So, Tiffani, if you'd like to make a guy's dream come true, and maybe scarf down a few spicy jalapeño poppers in the process, I say we put this date on the books.
What do you say? Please write back.
P.S. I put out.