The Summer Ailments To Look Out For: A Comprehensive List

Candy summer rental
Credit: Paramount Pictures

There are plenty of reasons to love this time of year, but there are also afflictions we’re never happy to see in 90-degree weather. As summer approaches the midway mark, you may notice a few more bruises and scabs than usual. Keep the baby powder within reach.

Sunburn, Tan Lines & Pasty Skin

Farmer’s Tan
Sandal Foot
The All-American Red Neck
Beer Belly Burn
Shoulder Crust
Baseball Cap Scalp
Yogurt Knees
Rudolph Nose
Tank Top Pits
The Yin-Yang Tan
Pasty-Chinned Grin
Vanilla Legs, or “Vanil-legs”

Sweating

The Meat Sweats
Swamp Ass
Sog Crotch
Jock Itch
Pit Stains
Back Sweats & Wets
Damp Foot
Stank Face
Skunk Balls
Fromunda Cheese
Slop Foot
Ass Butter

Dehydration

Cotton Mouth
Towel Throat
Heat Stroke
Desert Tongue
Dirty Thirst
The Death Valley Spins
Sun-Baked Skull ‘n’ Bones

Bug Bites & Rashes

‘Skeeter Bites
Bee Stingers
Fire Ant Chomps
Classic Poison Ivy
The Hives
Redneck Rash
Itchy T*ts
Back Acne or “Backne”
Irish Summer Skin Flakes
Sun Zits

Miscellaneous

Swimmer’s Ear
Coaster Whiplash
Pool Herpes
Car Seat Burn
Amusement Pukes
Road Trip Dumbs
Beach Butt Sand
Mono

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.