5 Tips For Hooking Up At Your Parents’ House

Caught in Bed
Credit: Zero Creatives/Getty Images

Whether in high school, college or while collecting unemployment checks, at one time or another we’ve all brought a special someone back to Chez Mom & Dad. At the drop of a hat (or a pair of pants), an already tenuous situation can quickly go from awkward to unbearable. Here’s how to bring a girl home if your dad is still the man of the house.

1. Put Aside Childish Things

This might be your old bedroom, but it should reflect the modern you. Hide any stuffed animals (especially the educational ones, such as Patrick the Pubescent Panda). And change those X-Men sheets to solid whites — Wolverine will forgive you for sleeping with a woman instead.

2. Plan A Secret Entrance

It’s one thing to bring a girl home to meet your folks, but for one-night stands you must establish a secret entrance such as a cellar door or open window. There is nothing more uncomfortable than having to introduce your parents to “Jess…Jenn…the girl I met at the bar” while maneuvering a stiffy behind the elastic of your underwear.

3. Set Your Playlist

A good make-out playlist is always beneficial, but when hooking up at your parents’ house, skip the Usher and R. Kelly — your mom and dad will know what’s up after just two bars of “Feelin’ On Yo Booty.”

Fill that playlist instead with songs that are smooth enough to keep the mood going, but not sexy enough to blow your cover. Suggested artists: Grizzly Bear and The xx. Also, Phil Collins, because what woman doesn’t want to have sex to “Sussudio“?

4. Keep It Down

When soundproofing the walls is out of your budget, remind your date to keep that climax quiet. If she ignores you, be prepared to belt out in song like an “American Idol” contestant to prevent your parents from hearing, lest you hear their equally loud weeping.

5. Lock the S**t Outta That Bedroom Door

Lock it twice. Lock it three times. And then barricade it with heavy furniture.

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Ethan Fixell (@EthanFixell) is a writer and comedian from New York City.