The 5 Worst Sex Lessons Guys Learn From Porn

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Credit: teofilo/Flickr

You don’t watch pornography for educational purposes, but certain lessons from XXX might accidentally seep into your brain regardless. Unfortunately, all these lessons are bad ones, at least for your sex life back in the real world.

1. It Should Be Long

We’re not talking about your anatomy — we’re talking about performance. Sure, try to last more than 45 seconds, but don’t worry about hitting the 45-minute mark. Remember, porn stars have the bonus of editing and more performance-enhancers than Barry Bonds had in his prime. Plus, your girlfriend will get sore after a while, whereas a lot of porn stars can’t feel anything, physically and otherwise.

2. You Should Constantly Switch Positions

Compared to normal human intercourse, some porn is like naked choreographed performance art. Pick a position or two that’s mutually pleasing, and get on with getting it on.

3. Those Positions Should Be Gymnastic Feats

The woman bent like a pretzel, the man supporting their combined weight with just his pinkie…what is this? You’re not interested in some torturous CrossFit workout — you’re trying to do something that feels good!

4. You Should Try To Bone Your Co-workers

The last several decades of feminism have helped women get any job they could possibly want, but porn depicts career-minded women — teachers, doctors or just housemaids — as only wanting to give “jobs.” The ladies in your office won’t have sex at the drop of a hat; they’re more likely to get your unprofessional ass fired for sexual harassment.

5. You Should Manscape Yourself Bald

In vintage porn, actors and actresses were equally hairy. Now they’re equally hairless. Everything below the shoulders is so bare, you’ll wonder if these guys have body alopecia. Before you decide to join this trend and break out the electric shears (or, worse, head to the waxing salon), just slap your laptop shut.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.