5 Summer Drinking Holidays You Didn’t Know Existed

Oktoberfest 2011 - Day 2
Credit: Johannes Simon/Getty Images

With the 4th of July behind us, it’s a painfully long wait until the calendar’s next excuses to get blasted: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve. But who says you need traditional drinking holidays? Any holiday can be a party, if you want it to be a party…

1. Pioneer Day — July 24th

Sure, it’s only celebrated in Utah. Sure, it’s technically a Mormon holiday. But you like Utah, right? If nothing else, you like America’s greatest pick ‘n’ roll combo of John Stockton and Karl Malone. So break out some old VHS tapes of the Jazz crushing it, and break out some cold ones, even if they’re 3.2% or less.

2. National Aviation Day — August 19th

The Wright brothers didn’t drink, which is surprising since tequila is the most logical explanation for why two guys shoved an engine onto two metal wings in a then-theoretical attempt to fly. Anyway, National Aviation Day is meant for celebrating those miniature bottles of booze used for airplane cocktails…and for hoping your pilot has more self-control than Denzel in “Flight.”

3. Senior Citizens Day — August 21st

We’re pretty sure grandpa would join you for Jäger bombs — if he weren’t busy falling asleep on the La-Z-Boy while watching the Weather Channel.

4. Labor Day — September 2nd

OK, OK, you already knew Labor Day existed. Unlike the rest of these holidays, you won’t be celebrating it alone. Which is why you should out-drink everybody at the BBQ, then let ‘em know you’ve been practicing since Statehood of Hawaii Day. “Oh, you don’t know about Statehood of Hawaii Day? I guess they don’t tell dorks about it.” Then give yourself a high five. You’ve earned it.

5. Carl Garner Federal Lands Cleanup Day — September 7th

Coolio said it best: “There ain’t no party like a Carl Garner Federal Lands Cleanup Day party ’cause a Carl Garner Federal Lands Cleanup Day party don’t stop!” (We’re paraphrasing.) September 7th is all about drinks, parties and federal lands that are as clean as f**k. It’s a beautiful thing.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and underwear spokesmodel.