The Ultimate List of Social Media Faux Pas

FARMVILLE-MEME
Image via Fuse

I’m a sucker for any and all social networking platforms. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Vine. Tumblr. Hell, I even loved the film “The Social Network.” I am, dare I say it, the modern man. And as the modern man, I hereby declare myself the leading authority on all social networking dos and don’ts — namely the don’ts. There are so many things that people, maybe even you, do on these mediums that annoy the living hell out of not only me, but so many others. But, like I always say, the first step in solving a problem is identifying its mere existence. So, without further ado, here’s a list of things you’ll want to avoid if you strive to be the least annoying social media user you can be.

LOL

Sweet Jesus, I hate LOL. First off, this loathsome acronym is never used in an instance that would evoke ANY actual laughter! “Spilled coffee again? LOL!” You did not laugh out loud after typing that! You just didn’t! And another gripe I have with LOL is the latter part of the abbreviation — the OL. Laugh out loud? You really have to specify the “out loud” part? What, as opposed to all those good, hearty, internal laughs? And don’t even get me started on LOLZ or ROTFL. Save for the possibility of a hilarious epileptic, no one has ever rolled onto the floor laughing after typing ROTFL. LOL is the internet equivalent of a television applause sign.

Poking

Make no mistake about it, poking people on Facebook is really, really creepy. In fact, I’d go as far as to say it’s no less creepy than calling someone late at night and breathing really heavy into the receiver. And yes, maybe I’m just too old to get it. Perhaps poking is primarily used as a tool for high school kids to flirt with one another. If that’s the case, fine. Far be it for me to stand in the way of a ninth grader trying to facilitate getting a handjob. Rock ‘n’ roll. But if you’re above the age of 16 and your name doesn’t rhyme with Messica Malba, don’t freakin’ poke me.

Everything Isn’t Interesting

Instagram is fun. It really is. And, yes, smartphones and the myriad of different photo apps out there totally make it easy to take some damn cool pictures. However, people, having an iPhone 5 does not make you a photographer. So you’re eating a bowl of spaghetti? Fantastic. Let me assure you, no one, not a single f**king person who follows you wants to look at a picture of it. We know what spaghetti looks like. Unless a meatball sitting in said spaghetti has an uncanny resemblance to Forrest Whitaker, set the camera down.

If You Have Nothing Good To Say, Say Nothing!

75% of all tweets suck. Sorry, but it’s true. Unless you’re funny, promoting something or breaking some form of news, you’re probably typing for the sake of typing. For instance, “Damn, it’s so cold!” is just a crappy, crappy tweet. Do you really think that someone is reading that and thinking, “Holy crap! Joe is cold. Better send a turtleneck!” No. That person, along with everyone else on Earth, doesn’t care.

It’s Complicated

I hate when people list their Facebook relationship status as “In a relationship but it’s complicated.” If my relationship were in the sh**ter, why would I want the world to know? Allow me to tell you. See, I’ve recently figured it out. People who make the change to “it’s complicated” actually want their relationship to end. Actually, they’re chomping at the bit, so much so that they want every single one of their Facebook friends to know. They use it as a bat signal of sorts, a sign to alert any potential suiters or suiterettes that some fresh meat is about to come their way. Annoying as it may be, it’s also deviously brilliant. “In a relationship but it’s complicated” is actually Facebook for “Unless something changes, I can probably bone you sometime in the near future. Private message me and start laying the groundwork!”

You Suks At Spellign

Let’s talk about spelling, shall we? In this day and age, there’s just no good excuse for poor spelling via social media. And I’m not talking about the lack of proper punctuation. No, I’m talking about people who just carelessly spell words wrong. You can’t spell? Fine. Some people are dummies. I get it. But guess what? These days every Facebook capable device – every single one – comes with spell check. Hell, I think my new toaster has spell check. Use it. There’s no G in party. Weekend doesn’t have a 4 in it. Come on, guys, you’re better than that.

Game Requests

Sending someone an Internet game request is widely considered the ultimate social media faux pa. If you send me a Farmville request, you absolutely suck! If you ask me to water your plants, I’ll be sure to do so, but not virtually. No, I will track down your address and come urinate on your petunias. Hell, maybe I’ll even throw in some complimentary manure. That’s how much I utterly despise game requests. If you truly have nothing better to do than to tend to a fictional tomato harvest, methinks you have a problem on your hands, a problem far bigger than your burgeoning cyber irrigation issues.

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.