America’s birthday is about as big a party as there is. Never mind the sweltering heat of the summer, or whatever weirdo politics pop up around this time of year. We celebrate…and we celebrate hard. Even after you cure your good ol’ American haze of a hangover, though, you still have an entire weekend of freedom. Here are ways to spend the 5th of July and beyond.
1. Apologize to your cousin for calling him a “f**kin’ hippie,” then punching him in the face after arguing over what freedom actually means.
2. Set up an appointment with your dermatologist to treat those firework burns on your arms.
3. Start learning how to properly set off fireworks for next year’s 4th of July.
4. Help put out the fire in the woods you caused.
5. Dare yourself to eat those leftover hot dogs, which have been sitting outside overnight with flies all over them.
6. Stash away the Uncle Sam costume with a built-in flask ’til next year.
7. Kill the pain of your sunburn by dousing yourself with all the ice left in the cooler.
8. Buy heavily discounted 4th of July T-shirts (they’re like chocolate the day after Valentine’s) and give ‘em to the needy.
9. Continue milking the opportunity to see your girlfriend in a Stars ‘n’ Stripes bikini.
10. Vote for your favorite MLB All-Stars based on who has a name that sounds most like a robot (Maicer Itzuris, Jedd Gyorko, Zack Cozart, Shin-Soo Choo, etc.)
11. Hit the gym and try to work off all that red meat and ice cream cake. Best of luck trying not to barf.
12. Wrap yourself up in the American flag and do as our forefathers did: Sit in an air-conditioned living room watching reruns of Married…with Children” and playing “Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 — Vengeance.”
13. Scrape and clean the grill of all that meat you charred to a lifeless, well-done mound of patriotism during your party.
14. Clean the swimming pool of all the paper plates, food and drunk buddies who couldn’t quite make it out of the floating lounge chair after your party.
15. Secretly hope Dwight Howard ends up on your least favorite team, ensuring a weekend full of laughs and assurance that that team ain’t going nowhere.