Sure, professional fireworks displays are kind of lame, but you don’t want to be “Amateur Explosives Guy” at the BBQ tomorrow. That said, if you’re determined to light off pyrotechnics, here are the most bizarre ones available to purchase, depending on state law. (It goes without saying: Be careful, dumbass.)
1. Sky Bacon Victory Celebration
Nothing says “America” like plastic pigs on parachutes raining down amid red, white and blue smoke. Soooooey!
2. Cock Crowing At Dawn
If a party goes ’til dawn, somebody is gonna whip out their cock…all the better if it can shoot sparks out its gaping maw.
3. Can Of Smoke
Actual sales text: “When this can is opened, smoke keeps coming out for up to 3 minutes — that’s a long time!”
4. Fire Rescue
Any decent father wants to get his child involved in recreational pyrotechnics early. What better way than this “three-alarm display of sparks”? Safety first!
5. Poopy Puppy
For this “2013 Novelty Firework of the Year,” light the fuse on the dog’s butt and then watch out for the exploding s**t that follows. Happy 4th!