5 Guys You Don’t Want To Be At A Fourth Of July Barbecue

steve-o fireworks
Credit: Paramount Pictures

Ah, the Fourth of July: A time to enjoy a day off (or a four-day weekend, if your boss is cool) and celebrate all that is good and great about America and summer. The weather is hot, the drinks are flowing and there’s nothing you can do to mess it up…unless you’re one of these guys.

1. Amateur Explosives Guy

Everyone loves watching things catch on fire, but no one loves watching some dude get his hand blown off. Leave the pyrotechnics to the experts, and let the fireworks happen between you and the chick in the super-short cut-offs.

2. Political Guy

This is a day to celebrate America, not your political party. Bringing up politics at a barbecue is sure to either alienate people or bore them. If you want to get into an argument, stick to hamburgers vs. hot dogs. (Correct answer: Both.)

3. Guy Who Brings Whipped Cream Cake

We get it, your mom made it for you when you were a kid — but that doesn’t make a plate full of whipped cream any more appetizing for the rest of us. Bring something people actually want, like booze, or maybe booze.

4. Drunk Stereo Hog Guy

Once a keg is opened, it only takes an hour or so for this dude to surface. Just because you’re drunk enough to play air guitar and sing along to your favorite country anthem, doesn’t mean anyone else is. Be a good guest and keep your paws off the playlist.

5. Guy In An Ironic Speedo

Sure, it seemed like fate when you came across that star-spangled loincloth just days before the big party…but subjecting everyone to your large hairy ass isn’t funny — have some respect for Old Glory, and for yourself.

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand-up comic with good taste in bad ideas.