The Compliment Translator: Helping You Unlock The Female Mind

171157086Credit: Rich Legg/Getty Images

There are many different ways to get a woman’s attention, but the perfect compliment can really set you apart — that is, of course, if you know what you’re doing. Unfortunately, most dudes make the rookie mistake of saying what’s on their minds when giving praise.

Honesty is the best policy, most of the time, but when you’re issuing a compliment, you have to use a filter. Luckily, we’re back with our patented Compliment Translator. Three more female comedians are here to help you avoid a compliment catastrophe. Because talking with a lady is like talking with a cop — think very, very hard before opening your mouth, or else they’ll misinterpret anything you say.

Hadiyah Robinson (@hadiyah)

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Photo: hadiyahrobinson.com

Can I touch your hair?
“I’ve never dated a black girl before.”

You were unbelievable last night.
“All the stories I heard about you being a lazy, boring lay were all wrong.”

My dog is sniffing you a lot. That means he likes you.
“Your ass smells like bacon.”

You look amazing in this light.
“Low light is the only way this is going to work.”

You have such a big heart.
“I have no intention of returning the money you let me borrow. Thanks!”

I love thick women.
“I frequent BBW parties.”

Your nails are so colorful!
“Ratchet looks good on you.”

Nice shoes. They look comfortable.
“I can’t wait to try them on when I’m playing dress up with your underwear.”

You’re like a beautiful Pablo Picasso painting.
“…weird, misshapen, and waaay overpriced.”

How do you not have a boyfriend?
“What does every guy know about you that I don’t?”

Kendra Cunningham (@kendracomedy)

kendra
Photo: kendracunningham.com

You’re the type of woman that a guy can bring home to his mother.
“You’re acting like your t*ts aren’t on the bar, so I’m gonna play along.”

I want to be your boyfriend.
“You have your s*** together. I don’t. Take care of me, please! I need HELP!”

Out of all of your friends, you have the best personality.
“None of your friends like me, but I saw you making out in public, soooooooo…”

You have beautiful skin.
“If you have sex with me, I will never compliment you again.”

Wow!
“I’m not gonna ruin my chances by talking a lot, so let this ‘Wow!’ sink in, baby.”

Leah Bonnema (@LeahBonnema)

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Photo: Corey Melton

You’re all woman.
“You have a huge ass.”

Your jawline fascinates me.
Fascinates like a science project. Like watching mold grow.”

Your teeth are very white.
“I think your teeth are crooked.”

You’re very exotic!
“Please let me know your familial history upfront. I come from a family of racists.” 

You’re a hot lady.
“My Web history is all cougar porn.”

You have a nice profile.
“From the front, you are brutal.” 

You look like you can hold your liquor.
“I’m gonna have to roofie this one.” 

You look different on your Facebook profile.
“Did you take that photo 10 years ago on the skinniest day of your life and then Photoshop it?!”

Hubba hubba.
“I still jerk off into socks and make my mom wash them.”

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.