The Code For Short Guys: How To Live Big Without Standing Tall

danny devito
Photo: Getty Images

Size matters. In a new survey of 1,400 British women, nearly 75% said their ideal man is six feet tall or more. Two-thirds consider shorter guys less sexy. This won’t come as a shock to us half-pints; we’ve been dealing with such discrimination for millennia, ever since the most vertically gifted cavemen got the hottest (and least smelly) cave chicks.

Even in this supposedly enlightened and tolerant age, seven extra inches make an average salary difference of $5,525. However, evolution and bigotry haven’t yet weeded us out. And they never will, as long as we uphold Short Guy Code…

1. Embrace Your Napoleon Complex

napoleon
Photo: Wikipedia

Our inferiority syndrome is widely considered a negative trait, making us aggressive and overeager to prove our worth — otherwise known as ambition, normally viewed as a positive quality. Your insecurity can either crush you or propel you to great heights, so choose the latter. We must accomplish more to impress, but impress we must.

Is it any wonder that so many global political leaders are pipsqueaks? Even if we can’t rule 75% of British women’s hearts, we can rule the damn world instead.

2. Don’t Start Fights You Can’t Win

brucelee
Photo: Getty Images

The flip side of embracing your Napoleon complex is knowing when to back down. Taller guys don’t want to hit us — there’s no honor in it — so avoid needlessly provoking them.

That said, Bruce Lee was only 5’7″ and he could kick anybody’s ass, so only let your mouth run wild if you can actually back up your words with your tiny little fists.

3. Develop A Sense Of Humor

duval
Photo: @lilduval

If you’re not a Bruce Lee-caliber fighter, you can disarm all those scary giants with laughter. It’s no coincidence that many famous comedians are comically small,  including the 5’6″ Jon Stewart , the 5’5″ Woody Allen and 4’0″ Lil Duval. (We want to get that rumor started.)

Besides, women always say a sense of humor is the sexiest trait, so learn to laugh at yourself…and they might take you seriously.

4. Chase The Babe

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals
Photo: Getty Images

Don’t lower your standards just because you’re lower to the ground. Former congressman Dennis Kucinich’s gorgeous wife is a half-foot taller than him. You, too, can have the girl of your dreams, even if you, too, resemble a Keebler Elf.

Oh yeah, and then there’s this microscopic bit of ginormous inspiration…

verne troyer
Photo: Getty Images

God bless you, Verne Troyer…God bless you and whatever it is you do with your tongue.

5. Keep Your Head Held (Relatively) High

man on stilts
Photo: Ann Cutting

When you spend every day looking up at others, it’s easy to feel down about yourself. Yeah, life would be easier if you’d won the genetic lottery — but that just means you can feel even prouder of rising to meet huge challenges and climbing to the top…

Even if you do it wearing platform shoes.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog and author of “’90s Island.”