The 5 Most Boring Things About Strip Clubs

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Credit: Rick Hall/Flickr

So many guys pretend that strip clubs are perfect and awesome — basically, little roadside slices of heaven. Sorry, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Let’s be honest: A lot of things about strip clubs are just downright boring.

1. The music choices

No one goes to a peel joint to hear the latest hot club jam. Still, why must exotic dancers shake their rumps to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and other ’80s power ballads? We want to fantasize, but not about traveling a quarter-century back in time.

2. The by-the-book protocols

Strip clubs are often just as uptight and stuffy as art museums. Who do I pay, where do I sit, am I allowed to touch that? (If you have to ask, you probably can’t.) There are so many arbitrary rules, such as having to buy a minimum number of drinks per hour, and breaking any of them could get your ass thrown out.

3. The watered-down booze

How else could you enjoy such sleaziness without guilt? Unfortunately, your options are limited to a few overpriced, mass-market beers and some waaaaaaay overpriced mixed drinks, utilizing the cheapest well liquors. (Cheap for the management, not for you.)

4. The majority of lap dances

We don’t expect real, heartfelt emotion. We know they’re just doing their jobs…but come on! The going-through-the-motions (literally) efforts of some ladies makes us feel ashamed to be there. It’s called a “lap dance,” not a “check your watch dance.”

5. The other dudes

The enjoyment of being surrounded by naked chicks is completely ruined whenever you look to your right. Or your left. Or behind you, or anywhere that isn’t the stage. Hooting, hollering drunk dudes, degrading women and feebly “making it rain.” It’s just sad and pathetic. Why are you even at this boring spot again? Oh yeah…boobs.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.