15 Completely Irrelevant Things People Claim Make You A Man

13th April 1966: A boy with a toy gun strikes a manly pose. (Photo by Chaloner Woods/Getty Images)
Credit: Chaloner Woods/Getty Images

It’s 2013, yet many guys are still holding onto masculinity standards from decades past that are now, quite frankly, obsolete. Yeah, it’s great to have outdoors skills or know how to modify an engine — but how relevant is that to the average guy’s life these days? No, today’s “man” can be just about anything, and need not do any of the following, unless he actually wants to:

1. Know how to drive stick shift. It won’t make you look badass in that hybrid, anyway.

2. Get a boner when a hot sports car drives by. The guy driving it can’t get one at all.

3. Do your own home repairs. That’s what landlords and children are for.

4. Never cry. Perfectly acceptable when your favorite team loses or your favorite dog dies.

5. Be afraid to cook. You calling Gordon Ramsay a lady?

6. Drink scotch neat. Bourbon with a little ice is so much better.

7. Smoke cigarettes. What’s manly about hacking up a lung and repulsing women?

8. Not care about fitness. Yeah, enjoy that cheeseburger, but hit the damn gym after.

9. Give up your seat for a lady. Unless she’s your grandmother’s age, or your actual grandmother. Otherwise, you’ll just make a chick feel like a bad feminist for sitting.

10. Play poker. Video games are much more fun.

11. Never dance. Unless your buddy got the cheapest wedding band available.

12. Shoot guns. You won’t have a girlfriend to protect if she’s scared of your hobby.

13. Let your body hair grow rampantly. It’s not the ’70s, and your name isn’t Burt.

14. Start fights at bars. This doesn’t make you a man, just a terrible drunk.

15. Spit. Does the sidewalk look like a sink to you?

16. Fart and burp loudly. OK, that will always be pretty manly.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.