15 Reasons To Love Your Scumbag Friend

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Your girlfriend wonders why you hang out with that one scruffy, underemployed guy who follows none of society’s rules, answering to no one and never apologizing for anything. She even calls him a “scumbag.” But, you see, girls just don’t understand: Having one scumbag friend is a must for every guy, for so many reasons…

1. He’s fun. More fun than all your other friends who are respectable members of society. Mainly because he’s reckless in a way you can no longer be, if you ever were.

2. He never carries any money, yet never wants for anything. Mainly because you’re always picking up his bar tab.

3. He can drink like a fish. A fish that aggressively hits on women, dances like a maniac and summarily gets you 86’d from your favorite bar…

4. But who cares, because he makes any bar you’re in your new favorite bar.

5. He’s always free to hang out, even if it’s noon on a Tuesday. Or Christmas Day.

6. He’s also always up for an adventure, ready to drop everything and take a road trip to Tijuana. Or a flight to Tokyo (so long as you pay for that one, of course).

7. He’s got your back in a bar fight…

8. A bar fight that’s probably his fault, because he loves to start s***.

9. He says completely inappropriate things to women, like “I want to put this in there…”

10. Amazingly, these inappropriate lines somehow work.

11. He has tons of no-strings-attached sex with barely legal girls and MILFs. You live vicariously through all these crazy stories.

12. Actually, the strings are attached, but he never notices and thus blows women off in the most hilarious ways.

13. He can get you certain, ahem, substances.

14. You’re proud of yourself for staying up ’til 4 a.m. after hanging out with him. You, of course, have to do a lot of apologizing to your girlfriend…

15. But it was worth it.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.