Credit: Chris Hondros/Getty Images
Have you ever sincerely tried to woo a special lady, but somehow made her feel like Jabba the Hutt? How could your words be so misconstrued?
In the dicey world of flattery, you must be a skilled diplomat of male-female relations. Before anything comes out of your mouth, inspect it and translate it into lady-speak. Otherwise, when you say, "You look beautiful today," she might hear, "You look beautiful today, but on every other day you're hideous."
To help ensure that your compliments are complimentary, we asked three female comedians to run our tender words through their insult filters. The results are so shocking, we might never say anything nice about anyone again.
1. Katie Compa (@katiecompa)
I love that dress on you.
I might be gay.
Your cooking is almost as good as my mom's.
YOU WILL NEVER MEASURE UP TO MY MOM.
You have a classic body shape.
You know, like a Buick Skylark.
I feel so safe and protected by your embrace.
We both know you could take me in a fight.
I love your perfume. The scent reminds me of my grandma.
I'm a creep who's probably into senior citizen porn.
You have such nice, big eyes, like Bambi.
Yeah -- nice, big...eyes. Good save!
Are you Italian?
You have a big butt for a white girl.
Did you play softball in high school?
Ever hooked up with another girl?
You've got a good arm!
Seriously, are you a lesbian?
2. Katherine Williams (@kathweems)
You're very athletic.
You've got a swimmer's build. Sort of Michael Phelps-ish.
Your voice is so sexy!
You sound like the Marlboro Man.
Have you lost weight?
You have stretch marks on your t**s. Those are new. Yikes.
Hey, nice tan!
That color doesn't even look good on an orange.
I like a woman who can eat.
Here's hoping you stop eating like a cow before your metabolism slows down.
You're a good conversationalist.
Less talking. More banging. Thanks.
Your breasts look amazing in that bra.
Your boobs are so sad without some support.
You look like a beer drinker. My kinda lady.
I've never seen a gut that big on someone without a d***.
3. Missy Baker (@themissybaker)
I love that you're a mature woman.
Time to check I.D. This guy might just be using me to buy him and his friends brewskis.
Hey, nice shirt.
Thanks for giving me an excuse to stare at your bodacious jugs!
Have you been going to the gym?
You thought I was fat before. How fat? Oh God. I'm huge.
Are you British?
Or could your parents not afford braces?
Wow! You drink beer, too? Nice.
You're just like a dude. Like my friend Steve. Man, I wish Steve were here!
I love you.
I don't love you.
I'm in love with you.