25 Ways To Stay Entertained On A Road Trip

roadtrip
Photo: Universal Pictures

The radio stations have long ago faded and your ass hurts something awful. It’s road-trip boredom, and this summer it might happen to you. Our goal is to make sure it doesn’t with this handy list of ways for you and your friends to stay entertained whether you’re driving, riding in the passenger seat or tied up in the trunk.

1. See how many times you can drive by a cop while drinking an energy drink in a paper bag.

2. Count every Waffle House you see for four hours. Eat that many waffles at your next meal.

3. Everyone in the car drinks a gallon of water in an hour. First one to pee his pants loses.

4. Pick up a hitchhiker and see how long you can go without getting murdered.

5. Eat gummies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Most colorful feces wins.

6. Take turns driving and see who can stay at the speed limit for longest without deviating.

7. Have a Bill Cosby impression contest.

8. Take turns winking at girls in passing cars. Who ever gets the most middle fingers wins.

9. Listen to classical music. Last person awake wins.

10. Listen to Rush Limbaugh. First person to agree with him is kicked out of the moving car.

11. If someone falls asleep, don’t mess with him. He’ll never see it coming.

12. Put red food coloring in the windshield wiper fluid. Stop at a mechanic and ask if they can figure out why your car is bleeding.

13. Ask someone for directions. Drive the exact opposite direction.

14. Play the roadkill game: 10 points for spotting a dead squirrel, 20 for a dead dear, 100 for somebody with a Dead sticker on their car.

15. Go around the car singing “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall.” Each person has to say a new type of beer on his turn. First to fail is the DD.

16. Buy truck stop condoms, blow them up like balloons and have a sword fight.

17. Squirt yourself with every type of truck stop cologne. Try not to vomit.

18. Every time you see a VW Beetle, give your friends a compliment. It’s better than punching.

19. Debate why Keanu Reeves took off but Alex Winter didn’t.

20. Stop at an XXX Adult Superstore and buy some edible panties for a road snack.

21. Try to stay completely vegan as you eat all your meals at gas stations.

22. Snap into 8 Slim Jims at the same time.

23. Ponder if hell is in fact real, as that billboard says.

24. Navigate through one whole state as the early American settlers did — without GPS.

25. Keep an eye out for litterers. When you spot one, run his car off the road.

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Adam K. Raymond (@adamkraymond) is aware that middle initials are pretentious.