5 Reasons Why Minor League Baseball Is Better Than The Majors

Brooklyn Cyclones Season Opener
Credit: Chris Hondros/Getty Images

There are nearly 250 Minor League Baseball teams in the U.S. That means wherever you are, you’re a short drive away from one of the greatest shows of summer. Minor League Baseball combines the fun of the national pastime with the pageantry of a small county fair, and that’s just one of the reasons why seeing a game in the minors is better than the big leagues…

1. Promotions

Sure, MLB might give you a pennant, a foam finger or a gym bag, but in the minors they take the spectacle up a notch, whether it’s pregnancy night (free season tickets for life if a woman gives birth during the game) or liposuction giveaways.

Even more importantly, most teams have cheap beer nights, during which you can get plastered for about five bucks. There’s no better way to relax after having all the fat lipo’d out of your body.

2. Team Names

Most team names are dumb. MLB has 30 and two of them are based on pairs of socks. In the minors, they get more creative. Check out the Greensboro Grasshoppers take on the Quad City River Bandits, or the Mobile Bay Bears against the West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx, or the Albuquerque Isotopes versus the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs. Suddenly, “the Rays” doesn’t sound half bad.

3. Food

When you’re eating a hot dog at a game, do you ever think, “If only this were stuffed inside a sausage, then stuffed inside another sausage”? Well, if you’re in Akron, it’s called the Three Dog Night and it’ll cost you seven bucks. At just about every Minor League park in the country, you can eat something equally (and terrifyingly) awesome. Even more motivation to swing by the ballpark for liposuction night.

4. Manager Tirades

Baseball’s the only sport that’s so old-school, they’re totally cool with the guys in charge stopping the game just to scream at each other. Every night in the minors, there’s a chance you’ll see a grown man in a child’s costume lose his mind in a way you never thought possible — and it’s always the best thing you’ve ever seen. Come on out, roll the dice and hope you hit the crazy jackpot.

5. Super-Old Dudes

Sure, MLB had Roger Clemens when he was the best pitcher steroids could buy (ALLEGEDLY!) but what about watching him pitch when he’s almost 50 with a beer gut and burgeoning man boobs? Well, for that you’ll have to go to the minors.

Not just Clemens, either. Jose Canseco, Rickey Henderson and even Michael Jordan spent some time on the farm and could be seen up close and personal for a finski. We all know how fun it is to see athletes get fat, and nobody gives you more fat bang for your buck than Minor League Baseball.

Sure, you can also see really talented young guys before they become superstars, but what’s the fun of that? The minors are all about getting s***faced on super-cheap beer, eating the grossest things possible and watching guys who used to be heroes when they’re not so much.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and marathon man.