Photo: Patrick Serengulian/Gotham
You’ve probably read Deadspin and GQ, which means you’ve probably read Drew Magary. He’s one of the funniest writers around, and his new, profanity-laced parenting memoir “Someone Could Get Hurt” is hilarious even if your biggest fear is getting a girl pregnant. It also has serious parts, like a chapter about how his DUI arrest made him grow up.
With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, we asked Drew for some wisdom about the most important guy in your life. (Which just happens to be the subject of the “Guy Code” season three finale.)
1. Your Dad Knows How The World Actually Works
“When you’re a teenager and in your 20s, you have these flights of fancy that are very serious. And [dads] have a way of saying, ‘That’s a temporary infatuation you’ve latched onto — you actually have to go bust your ass and earn things.’ He’s right, but you hate that he’s right. You hate that he’s right.
“I was 22, at an advertising agency. I didn’t want to be the assistant; I wanted to be the president. Why does this position need 10 years of experience? I can do whatever that is. And you can’t, and your dad is the one who says, ‘You have to pay your dues, idiot!’
“You grow up and it’s like, ‘I get what he’s talking about.’ When they crush your dreams [laughs].”
2. Your Dad Gave That Awkward Sex Talk For A Reason
“I was going to Mexico for 10 weeks in high school. [My dad] was like, ‘Don’t go sticking your dick in just anything.’ That is literally what he said. I was so excited with the idea of having sex that I bought the condoms happily.
“But guys 19 to 25 are so f***ing crazed to get laid and get p***y. If they can’t find the condom, they’ll be like, ‘Forget it, I want it so badly, I’ll just deal with it [grunting sounds].’ And their lives are ruined — you cannot do that…. Don’t have a kid yet. Wrap it up!”
3. You’ll Never Feel As Mature As Your Old Man
“It’s just always there, that urge to be an idiot…people have kids, they still act like idiots. If anything, they feel more desperate to make stupid decisions, because ‘I’ve gotta have my release, my breakaway.’ I don’t want to be that sort of person anymore — I can have a fun life without getting in a car loaded.
“You go to L.A., everybody’s drunk [driving]. It’s legitimately terrifying. And the worst part is they all think they’re good at it. I thought I was good at it…. There’s no way I’d ever do it again. Ever! I would never do that again. If I’d had some beers and a sword fell from the sky and cut my arms off, I wouldn’t drive myself to the hospital.
“Guy Code: Don’t be an a**hole who drinks and drives.”
4. You Never Stop Being Afraid Of Your Dad
“When my dad raises his voice now, I’m like, ‘Oh God, I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t yell at me!'”
5. Don’t Smoke Pot With Pops (Even If It’s Legal)
“That’s weird. To be all stoned with your dad and start talking about blow jobs? I like having a certain amount of distance from my dad — I don’t want to know him that well.”
6. It’s Tougher Than Ever To Make Dad Proud
“If you’re 19 and 20, you’re still dependent on your parents — you really want to be independent…and now the assist just goes on and on. It’s much more difficult now because nobody has any money anymore. There are 28-year-old guys out there living with their parents, who are still totally 19 years old in terms of their development. It’s frustrating because you want to break out, but you don’t know how.”
7. The Best Father’s Day Gift Is Not Being A Pain In The Ass
“The less s*** dads have to deal with, the happier they are. As long as I don’t have to do anything, I’m happy.”