How To Social Climb (Without Being Social)

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Credit: Noel Hendrickson/Getty Images

Every guy wants to work his way up in society, whether it’s to become more powerful or just hang out with beautiful models and professional athletes. But who the hell actually wants to go to the effort of making a fortune in order to schmooze with the hoity-toity? Still, a guy can climb the social ladder (without being social) with these easy steps…

1. Meet The Right Girl

Men have long been considered the providers, but that attitude is obsolete, so let an heiress provide for you. She’ll know all the right people, and she’ll handle all the RSVPs to fancy functions and lame charity events. Just follow along as her arm candy.

2. Class Up Your Name

Most new parents simply open up a baby-naming book and point their fingers at a random page, or go with whatever is popular at the moment. Not so for the wealthy and powerful. Whether their names start with just a single letter (“F. Murray”), end with several Roman numerals (“the III”) or are altogether completely f***ed up (“Apple”?), follow their lead and change your driver’s license info to lend an air of class.

3. Wear Suits Everywhere

Politicians have long known something us normal folks don’t: To social climb, you need to overdress. Wear a suit to a baseball game, sport a blazer and khakis at the beach, even wear a tuxedo to happy hour. People will assume you must be more important than them, or why else would you be dressed like such an assh**e?

4. Namedrop Constantly

What’s easier than meeting and acquiring a network of powerful friends? Pretending you’ve already done so! Spice your conversations with so many name-drops that other social climbers will be worried for their own safety…while assuming you got where they did via some classic cronyism.

5. Become Famous

That may sound difficult, but remember, we now live in an era in which simply by making a funny YouTube video, you might get to hit the talk show circuit, land a book deal and be invited to the hottest parties. All for turning on your laptop camera while sitting home alone and drunk one night. Which is much easier than actually being social.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.