How To Be The Man When You Visit Someone In A Hospital

On The Mend
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At some point, somebody close to you will get hurt, sick or need attention really badly and end up in the hospital. Even if they have health insurance, the hospital will suck. Hospitals are sad, stank places, and your friend, relative or girlfriend could be stuck there for days. Be a man and help carry them through this embarrassing, lonely experience. Here’s what you need to do:

1. Bring Food

If you’ve never seen or eaten hospital food before, it tastes like lazy failure and looks like someone punched the hope out of it. That garbage will make you want prison food. So bring tasty, nutritious food into the hospital — the vitamins might help your friend or relative get out of the damn hospital.

It’s OK to bring in junk food, too. If hospital stays are painfully boring foreign films, then doughnuts are action flicks.

2. Be A Gatekeeper

Everybody has at least one pain-in-the-ass family member or friend who’s intolerable after 10 minutes. Nobody wants that person around when trapped on a sickbed. Your job is to block the entrance with a firm “he’s sleeping,” or — if the irritating person is already in the room — get ‘em out with a selfless “he must be tired…. We should let him sleep.”

3. Be Nice To The Nurse

Despite what you’ve seen in porn, nurses don’t want you to hit on them. They also don’t appreciate yelling or threats of lawsuits. Try not to piss them off, because they’re the key to getting your friend good care from orderlies and doctors.

4. Protect The Gadgets

Hospitals are so broke, they’re charging for TV use (even though the channel lineup usually sucks). If your friend has a laptop or tablet at home, bring it. That way he’ll be able to watch videos and read Guy Code Blog whenever he wants.

But hospital theft is always a problem, and your friend will be worried about losing his swag. Be the man and get him a Lo-Jack so he can find his computer if it gets stolen.

5. Prank The Doctor

As we said earlier, you want the nurse on your side because they’re the key to good care. Not so with the doctor. Doctors will come in once a day for half a minute, like a celebrity making a cameo. Instead of listening to you, they’re thinking about whether to buy an Audi or a Porsche with the money your insurance company has to pay them. They’re helpful, but they don’t feel helpful.

So give your friend a fake blood capsule or fizzy candy to pop in his mouth during the next 30-second consultation. After all, laughter is the best medicine. Especially when everyone but the doctor’s laughing.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.