The Dumbest Ways To Imbibe Alcohol Without Drinking It

Credit: Cream

Getting drunk is the great adult pastime. But many people aren’t satisfied with the simple act of putting a glass or bottle up to their faces and pouring alcohol down their throats. No, we are nothing if not creatures of novelty, and the dumber among us are always looking for new ways to imbibe.

This week saw the latest effort: Smoking alcohol with MacGyver-like contraptions that involve dry ice and bicycle pumps. These devices continue the proud human tradition of drinking-free drinking.

Eating it

While never taking on the fame and popularity of, say, pot brownies, eating alcohol has long been popular (mainly amongst the kind of girls who still wear short-shorts with sorority letters on them). Whether it’s Jell-O shots, injected fruits, cupcakes, whipped cream or even dear old grandma’s rum cake, there are plenty of ways to turn booze into a solid.

Popping it

People once dreamed of a future in which they’d simply take a tiny pill to get all of their necessary sustenance. That future is today. (If your daily sustenance is predominantly alcohol-based.) No word whether you’ll have a sudden craving for pizza and buffalo wing pills soon afterward.

Butt-chugging it

Tennessee frat bros made news last year when one of them got alcohol poisoning. The culprit? Bagged wine connected to a tube then poured into his rectum. Lest you think this was hazing, apparently this is what Phi Kappa Alphas consider fun.

Inserting it

A couple years ago, teens were inserting vodka-soaked tampons up their hoo-has. Haha.

Eye-balling it

In case you think that Americans have the monopoly on stupidity, back in 2010, the “latest craze” to sweep Britain’s universities was pulling back your eyeball and pouring booze into it. Putting your contacts in the next morning suddenly became a little “hair of the dog.”

Spraying it

Desperate alcoholics have long found interesting ways to get s***-faced, from ingesting hand sanitizer to swallowing mouthwash to thinking, “Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I sprayed cologne down my throat?” The latter was apparently the vision behind WAHH Quantum Sensations, a “designer” spray that offers 1/1000th of a shot per spritz. Not surprisingly, this was invented by the French.

Snorting it

For those who don’t quite have the courage to ruin their life with hardcore drugs, you can always snort a line of whiskey shots. For this hangover, do you just blow your nose instead of puking?

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.