If you don’t support your local Twerk Team, you need to rethink your priorities. There are female athletes out there who are training hard every day to perfect this sport. They twerk on roofs, in knee socks, even in slow motion. They twerk for the fans. Don’t leave them behind.
At this year’s O Music Awards, which kicks off June 19th, twerking is one of five nominees for the “Friday, Friday” anti-award, which lets fans vote for the viral sensation they most want to die. We are here to discourage you from voting for twerking. It is timeless, like Shakespeare, and shouldn’t be extinguished.
In our expert opinion, it’d be much smarter to vote for these other “Friday, Freaky” nominees…
1. Harlem Shake
If you’re going to let an Internet dance craze die, let it be the Harlem Shake. Everybody was excited about it, except for everybody in Harlem. It sucks to have the worst dance videos imaginable named after your neighborhood. The Harlem Shake showcases average people convulsing in the worst way. Twerking is performed by women in stretch pants or batty riders. You make the choice.
2. Flash Mobs
Flash mobs are a public monument to heinous amateur dancing and lame weddings. The Queens of Twerk, in contrast, are professionals. They have a strong work ethic and they don’t ruin your trip to the mall by getting married in front of a Brookstone.
3. Goats Yelling Like Humans
Did you know that, in order to castrate a goat, you secure powerful elastic around its testicles to cut off the circulation, and eventually its shriveled balls fall from its body like a rotten crab apple? It’s true. That’s why goats bleat like that. They are begging for their balls back. Do you know what helps goat balls and balls everywhere? Twerking.