The Broke Guy’s Guide To Summer

beach
Credit: amriphoto

With Memorial Day behind us and the sun continuing to be a bigger and bigger sonofabitch, summer is definitely here. While rich folks are vacationing in the Bahamas, you’re stuck at home without a job. How are you, the average slacker too lazy to finally get that lawn-mowing business off the ground, going to spend your time?

Here are cheap (or free!) ways to kill it this summer. Just be sure to spend some of your limited cash supply on sunscreen.

Invite Yourself To BBQs

You might be broke, but you’ve still got friends, right? Chances are one of them has a kick-ass backyard and a grill to match. Throw on your best pairs of cargo shorts and flip-flops, and head on over. It’s the perfect outing even if you’re low on funds, because every barbecue needs somebody to bring buns, which are only a couple bucks. And instead of buying an expensive case of beer, just offer to pitch in on the grill.

Hit The Beach

You know what’s free? Going to the beach. You know what’s even more free? Staring at chicks at the beach! Get out in the water, suck in your gut and come up with a good lie to tell ladies about yourself. Think investment banker; it sounds impressive but nobody really knows what it means, so you can just make stuff up.

Dive Into A Friend’s Swimming Pool

…and if you don’t have a friend with a pool? Make a friend with a pool. This kind of buddy is of vital importance to the slacker in summertime, absolutely necessary to spend your days floating aimlessly on a rubber raft, drinking booze out of coconuts with fancy straws. (Otherwise, you’ll have to hit the public pool, and we all know how gross those are.) It’s so awesome you might even forget you’re living with your parents.

Sneak Into Movies

We would never recommend illegal activity, but if you just so happen to get lost in the megaplex, stumbling from air-conditioned theater to air-conditioned theater, it’d be less of a crime than sweating through your Levi’s in 90-degree heat outside. (If security asks to see your ticket, though, and it’s for a showing that ended six hours ago, you might have to pay, big-time.)

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.