Credit: Kristian Sekulic
It’s good to spend quality time with your woman; it’s also good to spend quality time apart from her, because 24/7 togetherness isn’t healthy for any relationship. Unless you’re trapped in a bomb shelter for the apocalypse, you need some damn privacy.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and we’re fond of enjoying these fantastic activities whenever our ladies travel for a parental visit, business trip, bachelorette party or…uh, why did she leave town again? We weren’t really listening too closely when we reached for the moisturizer and Kleenex.
1. Leave The Toilet Seat Up
Remember those glorious pisses before cohabitation, back when you could spray all over the porcelain throne and then walk away, because urine dries eventually, so what’s the big deal? With your girlfriend in a different timezone, don’t worry about putting the lid down…except that, like a Pavlovian dog, you do it by instinct at this point, actually having to remember not to remember.
(Also: Don’t worry about washing your hands afterward, because urine dries eventually, so what’s the big deal?)
2. Drink O.J. From The Carton
This is kinda cliché, but “cliché” is just another word for “classic.” It makes perfect sense to drink juice out of the container (same goes for milk and peanut butter), because that way you don’t have to run the dishwasher. Speaking of which…
3. Stack Dirty Dishes
Your girlfriend might not appreciate the architectural beauty of towering plates, bowls and glasses blocking the drain. Except she’s out of town, so go nuts on that ceramic skyscraper. If you build it, they will come! (“They” meaning “cockroaches.” Hey, she wanted to adopt pets, right?)
4. Go 24 Hours Without A Shower
Hoo-boy, it’s time to let that stench fester! Nobody’s around to lecture you about basic hygiene, so why bother? You might wince or feel nauseous at catching a whiff of your own pits, but it’s a wince of independence, a nausea of pride.
5. Watch Terrible Action Movies
Your girlfriend normally has veto power over the Netflix queue, making you sit through depressing dramas and saccharine rom-coms. Screw that crap; it’s time for shameless, mindless bloodshed. Boot up your streaming app, say hello to Sly or Bruce or Arnold or Jean-Claude (or all of ‘em together in “The Expendables 2“) and fast-forward to all the decapitations and dismembering you can stomach.
6. Hang Out With Your Scumbag Friends
Does your girlfriend like some of your buddies? Sure. Does she like all of your buddies? Oh God, no, and this is your chance to finally see them again for degenerate fun. While she’s racking up frequent flyer miles, you’ll be “racking up” at the nearest strip club.
7. Sleep On Her Side Of The Bed
You’re a gentleman, so you let your girlfriend have the side of the mattress nearest the door. But when she’s gone, your queen-size is more like a massive single. Untuck those sheets! Stack those pillows like dirty dishes! Sprawl, sprawl, sprawwwwwwwwwwl!
8. Jack Off ‘Til It’s Raw
Obviously, we saved the best for last. You’re suddenly free to beat your meat without any risk of getting caught. Click “full-screen mode” and turn the volume all the way up — maximum moaning — because you’ve got nothing to hide.
Just don’t jack yourself too raw, or else when your girlfriend comes back home, you won’t be able to enjoy “I missed you” sex. Also, you should probably take a shower first.