2012-13 NBA Season In Review: Lessons In The Code

Boston Celtics v New York Knicks - Game Four
Credit: Nick Laham/Getty Images

As another NBA season comes to a close it’s time to look back on what we’ve learned. Not about zone defenses or pick and roll execution, but what has this season taught us about Guy Code? Here’s five of the biggest fails and how we can be better dudes because of them.

Leave The Ladies Out of It

Chicago Bulls v Boston Celtics
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It’s one thing to talk trash to your friends. It’s a good time to make fun of their clothes, their car or their stupid, ugly face. It’s another thing when girlfriends/wives enter the equation. Kevin Garnett learned this during a Knicks-Celtics game, after he allegedly told Carmelo Anthony that his wife “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios.”While this may seem like a tremendous compliment (who wouldn’t want a nice big bowl of bee-sponsored goodness?), ‘Melo didn’t see it that way. He waited by the Celtics bus to handle business WWE style.

Lesson: Keep your trash talking on the surface or at least compare their lady to something super-tasty like Captain Crunch. Mmm…Captain Crunch…

Your Boys Come First

Boston Celtics v New York Knicks
Credit: Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

After a strong season, J.R. Smith was terrible in the second round of the playoffs. Pictures surfaced that he was out all night before games partying with Rihanna. Rihanna then denied her involvement, claiming that J.R. was out clubbing on his own. The tattooed-wonder let his teammates down, shot less than 30% from the field and the Knicks were knocked out before they had a chance to get knocked out by the Heat a week later.

Lesson: Don’t let anything come in the way of you and your boys. Unless that something is Rihanna. Then I guess it’s actually all right. In fact, forget everything we just said.

Make Sure You Spell Check Your Tattoos

Oklahoma City Thunder v Houston Rockets - Game Six
Credit: Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Kevin Durant recently got a full back tattoo. Cool enough. Half of the tattoo is a Bible verse. All right. Upon closer inspection, one of the words is misspelled. That’s a flagrant one Guy Code violation. Sure, we all love tattoos. Especially when you’re an NBA player, it’s your right to get whatever crazy s*** you want all over your body. Just make sure it’s all spelled right. Otherwise, you’re gonna look like a grade-A dingus.

Lesson: If you’re going to get a bunch of words permanently inked onto your body, bring a spell-checker with you. Or just go with a dragon. Nobody can f*** up a dragon.

Leave Your Friends Out Of It

Nickelodeon's 26th Annual Kids' Choice Awards - Show
Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

Dwight Howard has brought everybody down with him as he’s struggled the past two years. He’s had on-court fights with teammates Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant, took a few shots at his old boys in Orlando, publicly criticized head coach Mike D’Antoni and gave up on his team mates on the way to being ejected in game four of a first round playoff sweep.

Lesson: If you’ve got a problem, deal with it yourself. Don’t blame your crew or you’ll end up on your own trying to convince yourself Houston’s a cooler place to live than LA.

If You’re Gonna Be A Dick, You Better Back It Up

Dallas Mavericks v Milwaukee Bucks
Credit: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Brandon Jennings began the playoffs by predicting his Bucks would beat the Heat in the first round. He was then immediately checked for a massive head injury. Turns out he wasn’t suffering from dementia. Instead of pulling off the upset he played like s***, got benched in game four and his team got swept before anybody had a chance to realize the Bucks are still an NBA basketball team.

Lesson: Swagger’s great, but you need back it up.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.