5 Lessons Guys Can Learn From Weird Animal Mating Habits

Credit: Francois Guillot/AFP/Getty Images

Since this is the Internet, people who search for humping beasts are probably not looking for (human) relationship advice. But the animal kingdom can teach guys plenty about matters of the heart. ‘Cause even if most species mate solely for survival, some of them have weird moves that can help you with the (HUMAN!!) ladies.

1. The Manakin Bird

This tiny Peruvian bird, located in the Andean cloud forest, uses a variety of sounds to attract females, then seals the deal by performing a bizarre, hilarious “moonwalk” dance across a branch.

Lesson for Mankind: Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself on the dance floor. Women love a guy who can make them laugh.

2. The Bonobo

Credit: Anup Shah

These primates often get into fights, beating one another’s heads against nearby rocks…but they actually use sex to avoid fighting and resolve their differences.

Lesson for Mankind: If you ever ask a married guy about the secret to a long relationship, he’ll probably tell you, “Never go to bed angry.” That said, if you ever need to smooth things over with a lady, the most fun way is awesome angry sex.

3. The Anglerfish

Credit: AskIPhoto by Bent Inge Ask

This horrifying creature of the sea has an equally horrifying mating practice: First, the male attaches itself to the female with its sharp rows of teeth and fuses itself to her. Then, over time, he becomes engulfed by her, losing all of his skin, both of his eyes and all of his organs until nothing’s left but his testes.

Lesson for Mankind: You know those annoying couples who’d staple themselves to each other’s bodies if they could? Don’t get that clingy with a girlfriend. It’s healthy to spend time apart, or else you’ll lose your individual identity until she basically owns your balls.

4. The Lynx Spider

lynx spider
Credit: xbn83 via Getty Images

These North American arachnids are natural hunters, and nowhere is that trait more prevalent than its mating habits. First, the male uses a sumptuous feast to lure a female; when she takes the bait and saunters into his web, the male then ties her up with silk threads that act as an aphrodisiac.

Lesson for Mankind: Tricking a woman into liking you with lavish stuff isn’t a long-term strategy, because she’ll eventually realize what a jerk you are. Also, never tie her up unless that’s what she’s into, and you’ve mutually established an audible safeword.

5. The Galapagos tortoise

Credit: David Santiago Garcia

These rare and ancient giant turtles have a peculiar mating ritual: The males line up and extend their necks to a single female, who usually picks the one with the longest neck.

Lesson for Mankind: You’ll never get the girl of your dreams unless you stick your neck out theres… What, you thought we were gonna say, “Size matters”?

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Danny Gallagher (@thisisdannyg) is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and turtleneck sweater enthusiast.