The Fat Baseball Players All-Star Team

New York Yankees v Detroit Tigers
Credit: Leon Halip/Getty Images

Baseball is the national past time for many reasons. It’s a pastoral game that began on the fields of farmland and created some of our country’s first sports heroes. It’s also the only major sport that anybody can play and be super-fat (aside from offensive lineman, but that’s a special case). As this year’s season gets into full swing we take a look at the best of the best in baseball’s fatties. Warning: This post is not for those sensitive to fat jokes.

Catcher: Jose Molina

Tampa Bay Rays v Toronto Blue Jays
Credit: Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images


Jose holds the great distinction of being the fattest of the many fat Molina brothers.

First Base: Prince Fielder

Kansas City Royals v Detroit Tigers
Credit: Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Sadly Prince still hasn’t been able to pick himself up off the ground after this slide.

Second Base: Juan Uribe

Los Angeles Dodgers v Arizona Diamondbacks
Credit: Christian Peterson/Getty Images

Dodger Juan Uribe enjoying a quiet moment on the bench in between hoagies.

Shortstop: Jhonny Peralta

Texas Rangers v Detroit Tigers - Game Three

Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

The second of three Tigers on our list, Detroit may be the only team in baseball that nobody would ever accuse of taking steroids. Seriously guys, you can’t find some abandoned auto factory to do some cardio in?

Third Base: Miguel Cabrera

Detroit Tigers v Texas Rangers - Game Six
Credit: Harry How/Getty Images

Last year Cabrera made history for being the first player since 1967 to win the triple crown: eating a whole pizza, a meatball sub and a whole cake in one night.

Outfield: Carlos Lee

Miami Marlins v Philadelphia Phillies
Credit: Rich Schultz/Getty Images

Carlos Lee proving that black is only slimming if you aren’t already super-fat.

Outfield: Vernon Wells

Baltimore Orioles v New York Yankees
Credit: Al Bello/Getty Images

Vernon desperately hoping the ball is caught and he doesn’t have to run all the f*****g way to second base.

Outfield: Marlon Byrd

Miami Marlins v New York Mets

Credit: Al Bello/Getty Images

Marlon’s Mets’ teammates celebrating Marlon actually moving briskly.

DH: David Ortiz

Kansas City Royals v Boston Red Sox

Credit: Elsa/Getty Images

David Ortiz is the most popular fatty in Boston since Norm from Cheers.

Starting Pitcher: CC Sabathia

New York Yankees v Detroit Tigers - Game Four

Credit: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Sabathia will make $23 million this year, or in CC-speak, 45 million hot dogs.

Relief Pitcher: Jonathan Broxton

Milwaukee Brewers v Kansas City Royals
Credit: Jamie Squire/Getty Images

In this photo, Jonathan Broxton just learned that Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco will be available in Cool Ranch.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.