’90s Fashions That Guys Should Never Embrace Again

Photo of VANILLA ICE
Credit: Redferns

Everyone is sick and tired of economic hard times, so it makes sense that we’re collectively looking back to the 1990s, a decade when “Why Don’t You Get A Job?” was a hit song instead of a question that millions of millennials asked into their mirrors.

The problem with nostalgia, however, is that you romanticize the positives while ignoring the negatives. That’s the theme of my new book, “90s Island,” about a Kickstarter-funded tropical commune to recreate the past. Back in reality, our good feelings for the ’90s shouldn’t compel us to wear this ridiculous crap again…even if it is Throwback Thursday.

1. Chain Wallets

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Credit: UIG via Getty Images

A man protects his debit card with his fists, not a chain.

2. Frosted Tips

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Credit: Getty Images

The most crucial element of cool is not trying too hard. Sitting under a salon’s heating dome for 30 minutes to process chemical highlights is trying too hard.

3. Soul patches

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Credit: Comstock Images

Your chin should look like a chin, not a vagina. (Also, nobody reads the newspaper anymore.)

4. Puka shell necklaces

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Credit: Jupiterimages

You’re a guy. You don’t wear a necklace. End of discussion. Now wipe that smirk off your face.

5. Hawaiian Shirts

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Credit: NBC via Getty Images

Steer clear, unless you’re actually Hawaiian…or a middle-aged guy with a yacht and an awesome beer gut.

6. Hammer Pants

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Credit: SoCal Surfware

Oh, God, the DayGlo. It burns.

7. Grunge Hair

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Credit: DC Comics

Mullet Superman — the one comic book character less intimidating than Robin.

8. Facial Piercings

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Credit: Medioimages/Photodisc

Number of women this has sexually aroused in the history of the world: 0.

9. The Full Durst

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Credit: Getty Images

The cargo shorts, the backwards cap, the goatee…this look actually got dudes in our high school nookie?

EXCEPTION TO THESE RULES: Will Smith

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The Fresh Prince can wear anything – anything – he damn well pleases.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog and author of “’90s Island.”