5 Things To Do While Your Girlfriend Has A Girls’ Night Out

girls-night-out
Credit: Joshua Hodge Photography/Getty Images

Sometimes your girlfriend has plans and you don’t. (Let’s be honest, “sometimes” is “most of the time.”) She’s out having fun with her gal pals, and you’re stuck at home, feeling lonely and depressed. Snap out of it! There’s a lot of stuff you can be doing while your apartment is girlfriend-free.

Besides that. These ideas don’t require clearing you browser history…

1. Clean Some S*** To Make Her Look Lazy

Being in a relationship is a constant battle for moral supremacy. While your significant other is out partying, it’s your time to strike. Take care of things around the house: Repair the sink, do a little cleaning, hang a painting.

When she comes home a blacked-out, pizza-by-the-slice-breathed mess and sees how your night has actually been productive (well, she might not notice until the morning), you’ll send the love of your life into a shame spiral…and she’ll try to make it up to you for days.

Game, set, match: Guy Night In.

2. Watch All Those Movies You Were Going To Watch Together

You’re probably thinking, This doesn’t make any sense…she’s gonna be pissed when she finds out. Calm down, we’re professionals.

Next time you’re itching to go out and your girlfriend says, “Let’s just have a quiet night in and watch XYZ movie,” you’re set to reply, “Oh,  I already saw that.” Obviously, she’ll freak: “When the hell did you watch it without me?”

Put on your calmest face: “Oh, I watched it that night you went out until 5 a.m. getting smashed with your friends and left me and the cat home alone to fend for ourselves.” Boom. You just guilt-tripped your way to an extra night at the bar.

3. Drink Alone

You don’t want to go toe to toe with your girlfriend when she stumbles in at 3 a.m. if you’re sober. The nonsense that comes out of her mouth barely makes sense when she’s not drinking.

Build up a nice base buzz so you’re like-minded enough to understand her slurring. At the very least, you want enough booze in your system to make sure you can get a good night’s rest. We don’t know why women make that noise in their sleep after twelve martinis, but it isn’t pretty.

4. Wing Night, aka Gorge Yourself Night

Some of you “cool” guys with “cool” girlfriends are probably saying, “Hey, my girl’s cool. We eat wings together all the time. She watches sports. She’s so laid back. Blah blah blah.”

Okay, sure, but does she really know the kind of s*** you’re into? The deep s***? We’re talking ordering a party tray of wings for yourself. With a cheesesteak appetizer. No sports involved — just you and a block of “Seinfeld” reruns.

Yeah, now that it’s just us you can admit it: You’re a disgusting slob of a human being. It’s your little secret and you want to keep it that way. Now go order dinner quick so you have time to eat it and hide the evidence.

5. Enjoy The Peace And Quiet

You know how your grandfather can sit silently in a lounge chair for hours, simply staring off into space?  That’s what living with a woman for 40 years will do to you. By the end, finding alone time is a constant struggle, so learn to appreciate it when you can…while you’re young.

Pick the best seat in the house, maybe grab a pipe (it doesn’t have to be like the one your grandfather smoked, if you know what we mean) and just relax. What’s that you hear? Is that the wind dancing through the branches of a tree? No, that’s just the sweet, sweet whisper of the last remnants of your manhood. Soak it in.

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Mike Pomranz (@pomranz) is a comedian and a guy.