The Worst Things Guys Do When Sexting

National Texting Championship Held in Times Square
Credit: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

It’s often said that guys are visually stimulated while ladies are turned on by emotional connection, but that’s not necessarily true…and it doesn’t stop us from sending dirty phone messages anyway.

We’re hardly experts on this art form like Richard Johnson, Penis Photographer, but we know that most sexts — like most artistic endeavors — are terrible and embarrassing. Here are ways you can screw the sext pooch before even pressing “send.”

1. Opening With Your Penis

Don’t start with the main event — you have to build up to it with a little flirting, maybe an explicit text message, to make sure the mood is set before bombarding her with a picture of your holiest of holies. If she’s not open to this kind of exchange, she’ll gasp in a bad way when her phone flashes a glowing picture of your meat and potatoes.

2. Sending It Before Lunchtime

If she just got to the office, then send her roses — that’s spontaneous and romantic. Sending a text about how you wanna get in dem guts before she’s had a chance to finish her morning coffee? Not so much. This is a nighttime game.

3. Sending It To The Wrong Girl

This should be obvious, but it’s easier to mess up than you’d think. You’re pretty s***faced, probably, and it can be hard to think straight when you’re trying to get into the bone zone. Check the recipient, and then check it again, and check it one more time for good measure…because “Monica” is dangerously close in your contacts list to “Mom.”

4. Taking a S***ty Pic

Ask a former congressman or two, and they’ll tell you that quality is everything. Don’t just send the first random shot of your downtown bonanza. Put your best boner forward. Get the lighting right, find the perfect angle and do a little manicuring. Because if this photo sucks, you can’t untag yourself in her mind.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.