How To Go To A Baseball Game Alone

New York Mets v Minnesota Twins

Credit: Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Most dudes have been going to baseball games since they were in short pants. When you were a kid, you went with your family, and if you were lucky, you got to take some friends. When you turned 21, you learned the luxury of drinking an $8 warm Bud Light. And now that you’re older with a job, you’ve learned what it’s like to sit in the “not-cheap seats.”

The problem is baseball hasn’t upheld its title as “America’s Game.” It can be tough get your friends to go with you to the park. That’s fine. It’s OK to go by yourself. You can even have a dope time. Just follow these rules for going to the game alone.

Don’t Eat For Three

When you go to a game with your boys, you can chug ballpark franks all you want. Hell, you can snort mustard if you want. Nobody cares. It’s just dudes being dudes. If it’s just you getting down on $40 worth of food, no one around you is going to be hungry. And as for beer, this should go without saying: never get tanked by yourself.

No Visiting Team Jerseys

No friends means you have no backup. We’re not sure how it is in other cities, but New York and Boston sure as hell have their share of guidos who are happy leave some of the spray tan from their fists on your cheekbone if you’re not repping the home team. Play it safe and wear the home team jersey, or just a neutral t-shirt.

Heckle, Don’t Root

You’d think that if you’re alone you should root for the home team, and you should, but never by yourself. If others are doing it, join in, but if you do it by yourself, it looks like you’re trying too hard.

What you should do is come up with some clever heckles for the visiting team. Something like, “More like the St. Loser Cardinals,” but, you know, funnier.

Watch Your Filthy Mouth

This goes along with the heckling rule, but in general, it’s not cool to cuss up a storm at a family-friendly event. You know, parents take their kids to baseball games so the kids can have steroid-abusing role models. They don’t your sailor’s vocab too. Plus, only the worst chicks like a guy who curses all the time in public. They could be hot, but they’re still the worst.

Kick Game Carefully

Just like when you’re in a bar alone, women are going think you’re a dangerous loner. That can be “good-dangerous,” like a mysterious, rugged foreigner. Or it can be “bad-dangerous,” like a giggly cannibal. Girls rocking a ball cap with pigtails and a team jersey always have boyfriends or are trying to bang one of the players, so avoid them. Your best bet is to get tickets near third base, catch foul ball and offer it up to a girl near you. DO NOT then mention anything about getting to third base.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.