How To Not Freak Out At The Urologist’s Office

Credit: Jordan Hollender/Getty Images

Guys under 50 don’t normally have to visit the urologist, a.k.a. the dick doctor, but it can happen for a variety of reasons…and not just because you haven’t been BRINGING THE RICE in the bedroom. (Or ’cause you’ve been pee-spraying like your dong is an unsecured fire hose.)

For instance, I recently went to the urologist after I sustained a mysterious groin injury while long-distance running. My primary doctor, just as a cautionary measure, wanted to make sure all of my equipment was in good standing. (And it was!) But whatever your medical case may be, a visit to the urologist’s office is an awful and terrifying experience, especially for a healthy young buck.

Why? Because the waiting room is full of creaky old men devoid of all liveliness–some even sporting drainage bags–and the walls are plastered with nightmarish posters about how to tackle erectile dysfunction. In short, it’s like a super depressing retirement home for penises. However, there’s a way to get through these miserable, frightening appointments without suffering too much damage to your self-esteem or image.

First of all, you should schedule your appointment immediately after a workout, so perspiration is still flowing from your youthful sweat glands and compression bicycle shorts are hugging your thick, muscular thighs. You’re broadcasting a message: “I don’t belong in this graveyard for man parts!” You’re vivacious, you’re fit, your body works…every part of your body.

Secondly, while you’re providing your urine sample, take some time to appreciate how well you’re able to use the bathroom. Admire how forceful and controlled your stream is. It’ll be comforting, and you’ll realize that you probably take this basic function for granted. Plus, you’ll look like an all-star compared to the sobbing bag of bones in the stall next to you who’s producing more moisture from his eyes than from his wang.

Third, make eye contact with all the females you encounter and smile at them, even if it’s an ancient nurse who reeks as though she’s already been prepped with funeral home preservatives. You need to radiate confidence and vitality; the urologist’s office is essentially manhood’s Titanic, so demonstrate that you’re not going down with the ship.

Finally, if all else fails…STAND UP AND GET A BONER IN THE WAITING ROOM. It’s a risky maneuver, but there is no greater statement about your nether region prowess than having your Excalibur fully on display–especially in your bicycle shorts. Present it boldly and proudly–let everyone know that, in this dark abyss for the urinarily incompetent and sexually disabled, you are the intrepid ambassador for all of Man.

Be warned that you should probably encourage your erection to subside before going in for the actual examination.

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Jon Hollis (@jdkhollis) is not aware of too many things, but he knows what he knows if you know what he means.