5 Cities That Should Quit At Sports

Cleveland Browns v Pittsburgh Steelers
Credit: Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Being a sports fan is hard work. Unless you’re in one of the five cities where all the champions come from (we’re looking at you, coasts), you’re stuck rooting for a lost cause just because that’s where your parents decided to bone. Some cities are such sports failures, they should just quit and let their citizens become Yankees fans so they can be happy for once. Here are five cities that need to do everybody a favor and call it quits.

1. Cleveland

The last team in Cleveland to win a title was the Browns and there wasn’t even a Super Bowl yet. (That was back when pregnant woman smoked cigarettes.) Their baseball team’s mascot is pretty racist, their football team is so boring its logo is just a lame helmet, and the greatest basketball player of our generation wanted out of there so badly he didn’t care if kids burned his jersey in the street.

On the bright side, “Major League” still totally holds up.

2. San Diego

Sure, the Chargers’ powder blue uniforms are badass. That’s about where it ends as far as cool things about San Diego sports. Total major professional teams in the city’s history: Three. Total number of titles: Zero.

You’ve got the Pacific Ocean, bitchin’ beaches, surfing and one of the best climates in the world. Just do everybody a favor and ship your teams to Iowa. They really need something to do out there.

3. Minneapolis

It gets so cold during winter that your testicles freeze up the second you leave the house. That’s bad enough…do you really have to put up with the Timberwolves? The team’s so bad, Kevin Love keeps getting hurt just so he can hang out in L.A. where the sun still exists.

Tack on a Twins team that’s as exciting as a lukewarm bratwurst and a Vikings squad whose greatest achievement is losing four Super Bowls, and Minneapolis is the crown jewel of Midwestern sports fails. At least those losses weren’t all in a row like…

4. Buffalo

You’re already living in Buffalo, so things are going pretty terribly. Your football team is the only reason people remember your city, and the only reason people remember your football team is they lost four straight Super Bowls. FOUR STRAIGHT! By a combined score of 139-73. Seriously, just root for the Patriots. It’s fine.

5. Toronto

Wait…Toronto has sports teams? In every league but the NFL? The Raptors are a team? Are you sure they aren’t just a cheat code in “NBA Jam“?

When you find yourself putting all your hopes on R.A. Dickey, a 38-year-old knuckleballer who names his bats after characters in “Beowulf” (he totally does, look it up), it’s time to forget about sports that matter and just get super psyched about the Argonauts’ chances of taking home the Grey Cup. Yeah, the Grey Cup’s a thing.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian, writer and admirer of all pants.