Today’s Dumbass: Masturbating Man On Boat Claims He Was Just Exercising

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If you’re still frantically trying to get in shape for the summer, consult a qualified personal trainer to make sure that your exercise routine doesn’t cause you physical or legal harm.

Scott Barron from Alva, Florida was arrested for masturbating on his parked boat in plain sight as other people sailed past him. Allegedly, an off-duty cop asked Barron to stop, to which he quickly replied, “[expletive deleted] you!” After an on-duty officer showed up to arrest him, Barron tried to explain that he wasn’t masturbating, he was exercising.

We get it. Everyone is excited that spring has sprung and we’re all trying to enjoy the nice weather. But you’ve got to maintain your excitement at acceptable levels. Cursing out police officers while masturbating furiously is going over-board. Also, what exercise could that possibly even look like? Either Baron is on the forefront of physical fitness techniques, or he’s just doing it wrong.

Either way, we’ll stick with push-ups and not masturbating outside.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.