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Over the years, your brother or sister has been robbing your mother’s love right from under your nose. Today, that ends. Today, you charge your way into Mom’s heart and throw your siblings off the Mountain of Maternal Love so you can claim the crown. Follow these steps and guarantee you’ll give a better a gift than your siblings next Sunday.
Step #1: Snoop the Competition
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Light up a pipe and get Sherlock on your siblings. Bring up their web history, follow them to the mall, do whatever it takes to get a jump on what they’ll be giving to Mom. The more information, the better. Get your brother’s girlfriend drunk, sleep with your sister’s friends or blackmail your dad. This is your chance to flex your James Bond style.
Step #2: Do Your Research
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Hang out with your mother and take mental notes. Find out the stores she gets a Mom boner for, or the restaurants she can’t stop blabbing about. If you wanna take the easy way out, get a gift card, but understand that nothing says “thoughtless piece of s**t” like a gift card. Ask your mom questions and get her talking…the more excited she sounds about something, BINGO! Whatever you do, do not outright ask her what she wants. The idea is to read between the lines so it looks like you’re more in tune than your siblings.
Step #3: Show It Off
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Presentation is essential. When you’ve found the perfect gift, be sure to make a show of it. Wrapping paper, gift bags, a card…those are all predictable. Go the extra mile. Hit up a friend who owes you a favor and make him deliver your gift in a SpongeBob costume. Shell out big cash and have the Yankees announce your gift in the 5th inning. Activate the 2Pac hologram to rap “Dear Mama.” Anything to make your siblings look lame.
Step #4: Timing Is Everything
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Sometimes you gotta read the competition before executing a move. It’s a strategy that’s been perfected in war and the NFL Playoffs. Kick back and let your siblings give their gifts first. Yeah, that’s right. Relax, get lazy and watch them make mistakes. Maybe even wait until later in the day. As soon as your mom’s guard is down and it’s getting really uncomfortable in the house–BAM! You hit ‘er with the gift of a lifetime. Your brothers and sisters will shoot you that “what a dick” look; you’ll simply stand there and smile.
Step #5: Take Full Credit
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Take full credit for the gift, but act humble about it. No bragging. Winners don’t gloat…at least, not outwardly. Just remind your mom of those conversations you had while performing Step #2. “I remember you said you really liked that scarf that looked like a watermelon, so I HAD to get it for you, Mom.” Don’t mention your siblings EVEN ONCE.
Step #6: Victory Lap
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Yup, this is the part you get to truly enjoy. Look over at your brother or sister and give ‘em the ol’ eff-you head nod. Today, you are Mom’s favorite. They have until Christmas to try and best you. Matter of fact, watch your back…champions tend to be large targets.