New Hampshire man Ruben Pavon swears he isn't a thief, just a guy who takes things too literally. For example, thrift shop "Finders Keepers," which he mistook for some kind of hippie giveaway charity...right before he stole its merchandise.
Actually, Finders Keepers is a charity "to help children in need," but it's also a store. Where you buy things. Because, y'know, America.
"I thought it was there for the taking," Pavon told WMUR. "The sign did say 'Finders Keepers.' So I took that DVD player, took it home. A couple of weeks later, the stuff is still there on the porch, so I'm thinking to myself, 'Finders Keepers. They probably just put stuff out there for people to take.'"
He took a grill, too, but surveillance cameras caught him...and his kid, who helped him carry it away. (Hey, a child "in need"! Of a free DVD player!)
The store's owner isn't buying Pavon's excuse, telling reporters that he "didn't appear to try and open the door to see if we were open, if anybody was there, if anyone was even there to help him load it."
But Pavon did give the items back. Because "I just want to clear my name and say I'm not a bad dad--I'm the best dad in the world." And quite possibly the biggest dumbass.