Movies You Loved As A Boy…That You’ll Hate As A Man

Short Circuit Headline Pic
Photo: YouTube

“Dude, I love that movie!” Ehh, are you sure about that? Because the last time you saw it, you were 11 years old. You might want to give it a good re-watch and see how your grown-up brain feels. It’s a sad phenomenon, but sometimes our favorite childhood movies turn out to be way worse than we remember. Below are just a few examples of movies we grew up with that turned out to be tragically unwatchable in our bearded years.

1. “Short Circuit”

Ben Jabituya
Photo: YouTube

Remember this one? “Johnny Five, is ALIVE!” Well, he’ll be dead to you after watching it again. When you’re a kid, this robot seems so cool and hilarious, because he says awesome stuff like, “We be jammin’!” But, in reality, Johnny Five is an unfunny, gear-grinding lemon that is undeserving of Steve Guttenberg‘s companionship.

Even worse, the wacky, stereotypical Indian scientist from the movie, Ben Jabituya, was actually played by Fisher Stevens–a white guy–making “Short Circuit” almost as racist as “Soul Man.”

2. “Iron Eagle”

Iron Eagle
Photo: YouTube

“Chappy!” Aw man, we loved that movie, right?! Let’s order a large pizza and watch it again. This is gonna rule! Whoa, wait a second, what the f*** is happening? Is this really the storyline?

There is no way Doug Masters, with his feathery ’80s haircut, could have flown an F-16 into a fictional Middle Eastern country and saved his dad. We don’t care how loud he was blasting The Spencer Davis Group on his dumb thigh-Walkman.

3. “Mannequin”

Mannequin
Photo: YouTube

You were actually naïve enough, as a child, to think that you could create the perfect woman for yourself and then play with her all night in a department store. No such luck, buddy! In real life, you just carry a girl’s shopping bags around Macy’s all day.

4. “The Running Man”

Running Man
Photo: YouTube

This is not one of Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s crowning achievements. As a kid, you were entertained by the cool “stalkers” (like “Subzero” with his hockey stick axe weapon), and the idea of a dystopian manhunt TV show seemed amazing. But to the modern, more mature you, this film is just “The Hunger Games” with Arnold in tights.

5. “Robocop”

Robocop Melting Guy
Photo: YouTube

Please. A police officer is murdered in a steel mill, and his remains are used to create a fearless cyborg who’s supposed to clean up Detroit? And then he shoots a criminal in the balls through some lady’s skirt? And there’s a guy at the end who gets drenched in toxic waste and starts melting and scaring people and gets hit by a car and his head pops off?

Actually, come to think of it, “Robocop” is a timeless classic.

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.