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Chances are you're gonna put a lot of tequila in your body this weekend, never mind the horrific hangover (and police record?) that Cinco de Mayo brought you last year. The moment someone pulls out that bottle of magic, you've got a shot glass in hand and a stupid grin on your face that says, "I am horrible at learning lessons."
If you're determined to head down that path, try to learn some lessons about Cinco de Mayo itself. Here are strange-but-true facts that'll help you break the ice with señoritas at any bar or party.
1. Jose Cuervo was a real person
He was the first to commercialize and mass market tequila. (Also real: Jack Daniel, Jim Beam and Captain Morgan.)
2. Tequila was used as a flu remedy during Mexico's flu epidemic of 1918
NyQuil will also knock you out, but isn't nearly as much fun.
3. Scientists can turn tequila vapor into diamonds
Helpful since, after your girlfriend polishes off half a bottle of it, you'll probably have to pay for something.
4. Last year's International Pizza Expo winner: A pizza made with tequila sauce
Causes and cures hangovers all at once.
5. The worm in tequila bottles is just a marketing gimmick
It has nothing to do with quality. Basically, it's like the prize in a box of Cracker Jacks, except without the stomach-pumping at the end.
6. The worm is actually the larvae of a butterfly
That's right, we just gave you a reason to hate butterflies.
7. Tequila became popular in the U.S. thanks to Prohibition
Smugglers happily brought it across the border. Mission accomplished!
8. In Mexico, tequila is traditionally drunk from a "jicara," the dried shell of the guaya
In America, tequila is traditionally drunk from the bellybutton of a college coed who really hates her father.
9. You're supposed to sip good tequila slowly, not down it in a shot
But you won't.
10. A diamond-encrusted bottle of Hacienda La Capilla is the most expensive tequila in the world (asking price: $3.5 million)
A good bargain for any liquid that turns average-looking women into supermodels.
11. Margaritaville in Las Vegas made the world's largest margarita, more than 7,000 gallons
The Guinness World Record judges were on a "business trip." Sure.
12. By law, tequila has to be at least 51% blue agave juice
Be sure to tell the police officers this fact--and that they should go fight "real" crime--as they're throwing you in the drunk tank.
13. Biofuels can be made from the plant used to produce tequila, and recent demand almost caused a major tequila shortage
Potentially worse than a major oxygen shortage.
14. The Smithsonian has the world's first frozen margarita machine
Also: The first hand-crank phone ever used for a drunk dial.
15. George Clooney has his own line of tequila
Giving us yet another reason to wish we were George Clooney.
BONUS: Tequila isn't actually the official drink of Cinco de Mayo
July 24th is National Tequila Day. Your Cinco de Mayo hangover might or might not be gone by then.