5 Other Defeats Of France We Can Celebrate Like Cinco De Mayo

Angelenos Celebrate Cinco De Mayo
Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

We can’t wait for this weekend because Cinco de Mayo is one of our favorite holidays. In fact, we wish we could celebrate it several times per year…but of course it only falls on May 5, when–in 1862–the Mexican Army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla.

Still, why not celebrate other cultures (and their alcohol) by commemorating their victories over France? We’ve gone through our old history textbooks to come up with new holidays.

1. 25 October

On October 25, 1415 (or “25 October, 1415″ in the U.K.), the English Army won a huge victory over the French in the Hundred Years War at the Battle of Agincourt. Americans should use this day to get in touch with our county’s British heritage. Let’s wear those Buckingham Palace guard hats, say “brilliant” instead of “awesome,” drink Beefeater Gin and eat…well, let’s just skip their food.

2. Erste September

Usually you don’t want to celebrate German military victories, but the Battle of Sedan was in the Franco-Prussian war, so it’s probably fine. Since the battle happened on September 1, 1870, think of this holiday as a warmup to Oktoberfest. Any excuse to drink German beer (and see women in dirndls) sounds good to us.

3. Decimocuarta De Junio

The Battle of Orbetello was a decisive naval victory for Spain on June 14 during the Franco-Spanish War of 1635. Since it’s a naval victory and the June weather should be nice, you should celebrate near water, eating tapas and drinking sangria on a friend of a friend of a friend’s boat. (A friend of a friend of a friend’s beach house works too.)

4. Nona Di Luglio

We all remember where we were on July 9, 2006 when Italy beat France to win the World Cup. OK, maybe we don’t, but playing soccer could become a July 9 tradition like playing football on Thanksgiving. Or we could just drink beer and eat pizza.

5. russian2

The Cold War has been over for some time now, but our friendship with Russia is still a bit icy. Let’s heat things up by throwing a party to celebrate Russia’s defeat of Napoleon on December 14, 1812. We’ll replace the Buckingham Palace guard hats from “25 October” with Russian fur hats and replace gin with vodka. And then we’ll head down to the sauna at a Russian bath to get smacked with oak twigs. Looks painful, but it can’t be worse than a Cinco de Mayo tequila hangover.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.