How To Safeguard Yourself From A Snooping Girlfriend

Credit: YouTube

Lying, cheating and sneaking around are not acceptable boyfriend behaviors and if you engage in them, statistics are not in your favor and you will most likely get caught. However, sometimes girls can get too paranoid, and the next thing you know they’ve thrown on their best detective jacket and are knee deep in a background search on you.

The ladies of “Girl Code” discussed their love for snooping on last night’s episode, so here’s how to protect yourself from an over-curious girlfriend…

1. Clear Your Search History

Look, girls know you’re the worst version of yourself online, whether you’re looking up dirty porn, playing online poker or commenting on “Star Trek” fan fiction threads. Whatever weird hobbies and fetishes you have, Firefox knows all about them. Lucky for you, browsers were invented by men with nosy girlfriends, which is why it only takes a couple of clicks for you to erase all your shameful transgressions. Start getting in the habit of cleaning up after yourself online.

2. Throw Away Receipts

If you buy some kind of sexy gift for a mistress and keep the receipt, you’re too dumb for us to help you. But even if you’re not cheating on your woman, it’s a good idea to get rid of receipts that she could nag you about: Fast food, comic books and a bar tab from that night you said, “No, I really do wanna see ‘The Big Wedding,’ I’m just feeling sick, gonna lay low tonight.” She will use it against you in a court of withholding sex. so might as well ditch the evidence immediately.

3. Log Out Of E-mail

It’s not right, but when someone–guy or girl–sees an open email account, it’s a fight against human nature to not at least glance at the subject lines, maybe take a gander at those first few words in the preview. Your best bet is to log yourself out every time. And if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t password-protect their computer, make sure your email password hasn’t auto-saved. You don’t want to come home to find your girlfriend, wild haired and bleary-eyed, having fallen down a black hole of your five-year-old correspondence with your ex.

4. Log Out Of Facebook

You might be innocently reconnecting with an old female friend from high school, but your girlfriend doesn’t know that. She’ll mistake your private message reminiscence for flirtation. She also doesn’t know that the girl is a lesbian living in Peru, and she probably won’t stop to find out before firing off some, “Bitch, back off my man” rant that makes things awkward for everyone. So definitely a good idea to log out and cut ties with Zuckerberg between each session.

5. Protect Your Phone

This is the most common player in arousing women’s suspicions. Many, many a man has gotten busted by his girl finding incriminating numbers, texts or pics on his cell. Put a password lock on that sucker, although she’ll probably figure it out, so change it occasionally. Another good call is to get rid of that text preview where the first sentence of the message pops up on your screen, readable by anyone with eyes.

Finally, if you’re going to be a cheating dog and save Christina in your phone as “Chris,” you better make sure to keep that phone with you at all times–and sleep with it locked in a safe under your pillow–because ladies know “Chris” isn’t texting “u up?” at 3 a.m. so he can talk fantasy football. Always remember: Girls are clever, very intuitive…and some just can’t help themselves.

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Kara Klenk (@karaklenk) is a comedian in New York City.