How To Take A Dump In A Unisex Bathroom

unisex bathroomCredit: Peter Dazeley

The unisex bathroom is the worst invention since the ______ (insert any invention here). Whether you’re at a bar or anywhere else with a single toilet, the thought of a hot girl entering right after you’ve released the stink hounds is terrifying. Don’t let your sphincter wipe out your game! Here are five ways to save your dignity.

1. Make It Look Like You Were Just Peeing

This is the most effective method on two conditions: The person behind you in line had to see someone leave the bathroom before you went in, and you have to be quick. That means no reading or playing video games in there.

Your face will be red from the speedy pushing, but if you leave the seat up quietly, whoever’s after you will think you just suffered through peeing in a stank bathroom. Don’t be surprised if you get treated like the hero that you are.

2. Be A Boy Scout

Boy Scouts are always prepared, and you can be too, if you make sure to always have a battery-powered fan, extra batteries and some cologne (or travel-size air freshener) in your bag. Oh, and always have a bag, and never take it off so it doesn’t look weird when you go to the bathroom still wearing it.

3. Mutually Assured Destruction

On some super-progressive college campuses, there are coed bathrooms with multiple stalls. That means you might end up pooping right next to a girl pooping. The good news there is she’ll seem just as unsexy to you as you seem to her. She won’t call you out on it for the same reason that Russia and America never started a nuclear war.

4. Own It

Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to act like there is no problem. Do your business, take your time. Afterward, if you see any girls whispering about how you’re the guy who made the bathroom smell nasty, walk over to one of them, start kicking your best game and ask for her phone number.

(Note: This probably won’t work, but your friends will never call you anything less than “the president of our friend group.”)

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.