Ask An Illuminati With ‘Dave:’ Your Questions From Twitter

Illuminati by Steven Puetzer
Credit: Steven Puetzer/Getty Images

Last week, we reached out to you on Twitter to find out what you’d ask a member of the Illuminati if given the opportunity. Through a series of complicated sources and connections we were able to send those questions to “Dave,” who refused to explain how he became a member, but proved it by setting up a 2013 MTV Movie Award win for Martin Freeman in the Best Hero category. We didn’t ask him to do it, but he said he “was tired of ‘The Avengers’” winning everything.

Here are Dave’s answers to your questions. Be sure to follow us on Twitter for future Q&A sessions with Dave.

We are not an “organization” and people do not have “jobs” with us. We are an all-encompassing circle of control that can hot-wire your thoughts and make you send pornographic e-mails to your grandparents. Sometimes for fun, we invent a new animal just to see if people can figure out how to kill it. So no, you cannot “get a job” with us, but here is a link to a place where you can:

2Pac was a hologram from the start. We created it because we were bored with California hip-hop after deciding to break up N.W.A. In ’96, the machine broke and no one knew how to fix it until last year. Turns out someone spilled coffee all over it.

I have no idea what you are referring to, but pay no mind to the fleet of black sedans arriving at your location in 3…2…1…


I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking here, but I will do my best. Originally, one member dared another to make a 14-year old famous for rapping. When that member won the bet, we all had a pretty good laugh. What we didn’t plan was for that 14-year old to keep going.

We have no need for “dental coverage” since our teeth are sculpted perfectly from ivory. 

He was the star of a reality show on IET (Illuminati Entertainment Television). This is a channel you do not receive at home. It is only for us.

Funny question, because we already own your soul. You cannot sell half of what is already ours. We’ll decide how famous we feel like making you the same way we did with Scottie Pippen, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and the guy in the Verizon commercials.

No, we will never die. What we are scared of more than anything is the population figuring out the moon is nothing but a large camera we built and installed in the 1940s.